Category: Miscellaneous


Dead Blonde

A blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones and carrying a walkman. When the barber was ready for her, he asked her to please remove the headphones.

The blonde, however, replied, “No, I’d just die without them.”

With this, the barber proceeded to cut her hair around her headphones. A few weeks later, the blonde returned with the same headphones and the same walkman and even the same clothes, but her hair looked a little funny. Again, when the barber asked her to remove the headphones, she replied, “but I’d just die without them.”

The barber decided he’d let her have her own way and cut her hair again around the headphones. Yet again, a couple of weeks later, the blonde walked in with the same headphones, the same walkman and the same clothes and asked for a haircut. This time, the barber insisted that she remove her headphones. The blonde complied and removed her headphones. After about a minute, she keeled over and died. This made the barber curious about the headphones, so he put them on and pressed play.

He heard … “Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.”

St. Patrick

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fa**ot.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a fa**ot and he didn’t care!”

“You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.” The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. “I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fa**ot!”

“Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He is unshakable!”

The third Englishman said, “No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.”

The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

Halloween

There’s a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.”

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a Caramel apple!”

How to Handle Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Alternately, you can tell them, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died …” When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male:

Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company …”
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends … would you be my friend?”

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh my God!!!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”

The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up … louder … louder … louder …

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Things to Ponder

Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell bring so many clothes with her?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why are “apartments” called “APARTments” if they are all attached?

Presidential Rescue

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore. He was so thankful that he told each of them, “Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserves a reward.”

The first boy says, “I want to go to Disneyland!” “I’ll take you there myself!!!” exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, “I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan’s.” “I’ll buy them for you myself,” says Bill.

“And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers” the third boy says. The president looks at the boy and says, “But son you don’t look like you are handicapped to me.” The boy says, “I’m going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!”

Cat Bath

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their hygiene.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no living creatures between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG