Category: Miscellaneous


Swearing Kids

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

You know what?” says the 7 year old, “I think it’s about time we start swearing.”

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

“When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?”

“Okay,” the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

“Oh, shit mum, I guess I’ll have some Coco Pops.”

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!”

I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fackin’ ass it won’t be Coco Pops.”

Alcohol Warning

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer and wine containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named MAX.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

For the Teachers

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there.

She heard a little girl say very softly “damn!”.

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, “Not even when things are all fucked up?!”

First Funeral

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, “Maybe we’d better tell him that’s a septic tank.”

What if Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash, Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this?

What a shame sir!

We’ll find you Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Golf Death

Harry got home from his round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked him.

“Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Barney had a heart attack and died on the 11th tee.”

“Oh, that’s awful!”

“You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Barney, hit the ball, drag Barney.”

Golf Story

A good ‘ol boy businessman found himself in the same foursome as Ben Hogan at a pro-am. After watching Hogan hit a four iron to a par three of some 190 yards and having it check abruptly not 10 feet from the pin he saunterd over to Ben and put his arm around his shoulder.

Unaware of Hogans rather surly demeanor and sharp wit he asked how he, Hogan, had managed to hit this remarkable shot and if he too could learn how to do it.

Hogan turned after removing the man’s arm and asked him just how far he hit HIS four iron. The ‘ol boy replied quite happily that he could manage about 150 to 160 yards whereupon Hogan uttered, “Then I see no reason as to why you would NEED to learn that shot.” and turned on his heel and walked away.