Category: Miscellaneous


Living With Kids

From a San Diego father who has identified 35 truths
he learned from his children.

1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades they can ignite.

3. A 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.

8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh”, it is already too late.

12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke-lots of it.

13. A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.

14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.

16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000-sq.-ft. house almost four inches deep.

17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

18. Duplos will not.

19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.

20. Super Glue is forever.

21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.

22. So can Tarzan.

23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can’t walk on water.

24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

28. You probably don’t want to know what that odor is.

29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time.

32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

How Many Members Of Your Sign Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done – they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so …

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Workplace Lingo

BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a “cube farm” (an office full of cubicles) and everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

TOURISTS – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

TREEWARE – Printed computer software/hardware documentation.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) – Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB – Career Ending Behavior)

OHNOSECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM)

ADMINISPHERE – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini-sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.

SALMON WEEK – The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and someone else get the benefit.

404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him … he’s 404, man.”

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking an electronic device “just right” to get it to work again.

Martha Stuart’s Tips For Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your finger covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table

Doughboy Dead At 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Blind Date

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Mike, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.

He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts … “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

Two Blondes

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”

Nose Picking Glossary

THE KIDDIE PICK … When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK … When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH … When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT … You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS … When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTOPICK … The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS … Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE … When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL … No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK … Ditto.

PICK AND STICK … You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAYDIRT … The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Famous Last Words

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” – Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” – The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

“But what is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” – Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920’s.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” –Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” – Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. Then literature is full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3m Post-It” Notepads.

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.'” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” –1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” — Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” –Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” – Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” – Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”. — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”. – Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981