Category: Miscellaneous


Mental Exercise

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. It’s pretty cool so follow the instructions and DON’T cheat. There’s no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them … really.

Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something) . . .

What is:

1+5

2+4

3+3

4+2

5+1

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself
as fast as you can for 15 seconds. then scroll down.

QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then scroll down.

You’re thinking of a carrot right?

If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with “carrot” when given this exercise.

I’m Glad I’m a Man

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don’t take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail
I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale
I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house

I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry
I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Priceless

THE MasterCard COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Sending her on her way and never having to listen to her: … Priceless

Christian Preachers

Three Christian preachers and their wives were on a tour of the Middle East, when a land mine destroyed their bus and killed them. The three couples found themselves on a golden path which led to St. Peter’s desk just outside the pearly gates. On his desk was a giant book and two buttons — one red, one white.

The first couple approached the desk and the man proudly proclaimed that he was a minister of the gospel. St. Peter said, “Okay, but I’ve got to find you in the book first. Lessee … Yes, it says here you were a preacher, but it also says you were obsessed with MONEY. You loved money far more than you loved God. You even married a woman named Penny!”

St. Peter pushed the red button. A trapdoor opened and the couple fell screaming down to Hell.

The second couple approached and the man again proudly proclaimed that he was a minister of the gospel. St. Peter looked him up in the book and said, “Okay, but it says here you were obsessed with LIQUOR. You loved alcohol far more than you loved God. You even married a woman named Brandy!”

St. Peter pushed the red button. A trapdoor opened and the couple fell screaming down to Hell.

The third preacher turned around, took his wife by the arm and said, “Come on, Fanny, let’s see if we can find the stairs.”

You Might Be White Trash If …

You think quality TV is “The Simpsons” or “America’s Funniest Videos”.

You still own, admire, or listen to any CD by Madonna.

You log onto the Internet and download images because they give you the same sensation as a real naked woman.

Your Web site features schlock pictures, such as trashy women, but you confuse those pics for “art”.

You take Jerry Springer or “South Park” way too seriously.

Any of your steps towards financial independence involve letters to and from Ed McMahon.

Your knowledge of Native American culture is limited to the games offered at a local casino.

You’ve never thought of Cher as “campy.”

Your idea of “high-end shopping” is charging to your K-Mart credit card.

You give a damn about the Energizer bunny.

You’ve ever missed work waiting on the sidewalk for a special edition of Playboy.

Rosie O’Donnell is your favorite no-discernable-talent star.

Your home is an archive of old TV Guides.

You consider the grocery store checkout’s magazine rack a “library.”

You can’t understand how Nirvana’s songs ended up in the ash heap of irrelevancy like they did.

A redneck has ever criticized you for having bad taste.

You’re not ashamed to admit you like Lilith Fair and you’re not a lesbian.

It doesn’t make sense to you to use “Ellen DeGeneres” and “tacky” in the same sentence.

You really, really love these jokes or you’re really, really offended by them.

Virgin Nuns

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.

“Who is this?” asks the padre.

“Oh, that’s the Virgin of Guadalupe.”

“And this portrait?”

“That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi.”

“Who is this third one?”

“That is the Virgin of Ishia.”

“And the final portrait, what virgin is she?”

“Oh, that’s no virgin, that’s the Mother Superior.”

Funny Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies In House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

9. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

10. Stud Tires Out

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops Off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Women’s Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in ’84

30. War Dims Hope For Peace

31. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kills 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Feeding The Needy

42. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Holds Dwarfs In Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waves Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumn

54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board

55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Memory Loss

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

If Men Ruled The World

1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

2. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a half time.

4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum would pretty much do it.

5. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. “Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Instead of a beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

12. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

13. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

15. Two words: Ally McNaked.

16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

17. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

20. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

21. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

22. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Fruitcake Recipe

You’ll need the following:

1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.

Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt.

Or something.

Who cares.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?