Redneck Letter From Mom

Dear Redneck Son–

I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother…

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Clinton vs. Gas Station Attendant

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas.

On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love. Bill was quite amused at this, but didn’t mention anything at the time. They exchanged hellos and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.”

She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.

Redneck Students

Two dumb redneck friends are beginning to attend school. One of the friends goes to the University to speak with a counselor about the course work each of them are going to take.

The counselor tells him that he needs to take a logic class. The redneck asks, “What’s logic.” The counselor says, “Well, do you own a lawn mower?” He replies, “Yes.” “Well then you must live in a house,” replies the counselor. “Sure do,” says the student. “And if you live in a house, then you’re probably married.” says the counselor. “And if your married, then you’re probably heterosexual.” The counselor advises, “Well, this is logic.”

So, the redneck returns to his friend and tells him they need to take a logic class. His friends asks, “What’s logic?”

He replies, “Well, you own a lawn mower, right?” His friend replies, “No.”

“Then you must be a fag.”