This little old lady goes to the doctor to tell him that she suspected that her husband had lost his sex drive. The doc thought that the lady was a little senile, and asked her a couple of questions. “How old are you?”
“I’m 88,” came the reply.
“And how old is your husband?”
“He’s 93,” she said.
Thinking that he was really on to something here, his next question was, “Tell me, when did you first notice that your husband lost his drive?”
The lady answered, “Last night, and again this morning.”
Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before.
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Mike, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts … “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an mphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus and a Boat”).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: – – – silence – – –
MAN: Shit.
At the exact same time, there are two 18 year old men on opposite ends of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral sex from an 80 year old woman.
They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing … Don’t Look down!
On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
“Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “MY picture?” He answers, “yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”. She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks, “Why?” She answers, “SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!”
A couple who are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant are reminiscing about times past. After having mentioned all the wonderful moments of their full and happy life together, the old man says, “You know, I still love the sex we have together, darling.”
After a couple of minutes thinking about this, the wife replies, “Well, yup, me too, but I think I prefer Christmas.”
Somewhat taken aback, the husband retorts, “Don’t you prefer the sex?”
“Difficult to say,” says the old lady, “but Christmas does comes round more often”.
THE MasterCard COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Sending her on her way and never having to listen to her: … Priceless
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long. But ya gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The man replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”
12. “Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!”
11. “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”
10. “Feel the force!”
9. “Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things.”
8. “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”
7. “Do me or do me not – there is no try.”
6. “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”
5. “You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand up my ass.”
4. “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”
3. “When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?”
2. “Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!”
1. “Who’s your Jedi master? WHO’S your Jedi Master?”
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?” To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied. “What word?” she asked. “Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”
The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.”
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
“I’d be honored,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?” to which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word first.”
“What word?” he asked. The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”