A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.
“Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth,” Johnny replied. “Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely ie: “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do
this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“You’re going to die,” she replied.
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him “This is all in your mind,” and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, “I can cure this.” He throws some powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say, ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks the witch doctor, “What happens when it’s over?”
The witch doctor says, “All you or your partner has to say is, ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!”
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. So he’s lying in bed with her and says, “123” and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says …
“What did you say ‘123’ for?”
Chinese couple gets married – and she’s a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?”
“I wanna numma 69”, she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says, “You wanna beef wit broccorri?”.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you”.
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: They think men care.
To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, a young man went to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool of the trade.”
This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall, cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”
Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car. “I’ve got just two words for you,” she screamed. “Drop dead!”
“And I’ve got just two words for you,” Roger screamed back. “Let go!”
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work.