Girlfriend / Wife Software

Last year a friend upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs which launches during system initialization whre it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beer Bash 2.5 are no longer able to run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

– Jonathan Powell

Dear Sir: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Many have tried to pursue Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with many more proglems than original system. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with current situation. Look in your manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

-David B. Finlayson, Tech Support / Wife 1.0

Ticket in LA County

Speeding Ticket: A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror.

He thinks, “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on.

The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, “What the heck” and gives up.

He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.

He leans down and says, “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and said, “A few weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought it was him coming after me to give her back!”

The officer let him go.

True Story from Police in Orange County

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.

True Police Story from Humboldt County

A woman got pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball.”

He replied, “No, Ma’am, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

The Hail Storm

A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a real bad hail storm The hail stones were as big as golf balls. Her car got dented up real bad. The next day she took it to a repair shop. The repair guy was a little crazy and told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out.

So when she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her. Her friend was startled and said “what are you doing?”

What a Divorce

A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.

Lake Isabella

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Hold on to that Towel

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you 500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 500 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower. “Who was that?” It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the 500 dollars he owes me?”

The Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. “Well,” says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow- up.”

“Oh, no.” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot, I don’t want to have to come back.” The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.” “That’s what I want!” exclaims the lady. “Let’s do that.”

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office. “Well, how’s the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks.

“Terrible!” the lady bellows. ” It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor.

“Just look at these bags under my eyes!” she hollers.

“Lady,” the doctor retorts, “those aren’t bags, those are your breasts and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!”

No Laughing Matter

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Gold Dust Twins are coming” and I had to smile.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Sloan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to grin.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly control myself.

BUT….when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.” I laughed out loud.