I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don’t like to interrupt her.
Always Right
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Wives are Alike
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Dog and Wife Barking
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course
Women Passing Gas
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Woman’s Watch
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove!
Women Feet
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Laundromat Women
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Beer Opener
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Sober Driving
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man, the man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”