Tag: Story


Making Babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. I’ve come to….”

“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you, ” Mrs. Smith cut in.

“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot of …” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know it,,” Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

“This was done on the top of a bus.”

“Oh my god!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment ?”

“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”

“Tripod??”

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long.

Madam? Madam?….. Good Lord, she’s fainted!”

Six Levels of Hangovers

* 1 star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

** 2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

*** 3 star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.

Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86’d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven’t pee’d once.

**** 4 star hangover

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of ’84.

***** 5 star hangover, aka “Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell.”

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.

****** 6 star hangover

Otherwise known as the “Infinite Nut smacker” You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to getup before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights…some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp “Ready to Rock” faintly atop your forehead……the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your “hello kitty” pajamas and your slippers.

Tiger’s Tees

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick to an Irish gas station. The attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is “Top o’ the morning, shall I filler er up?”

Tiger nods yes and gets out of the car and two tees fall out of his pocket.

“So what are those, son?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

And what would ya be usin ’em for, now?” inquires the Irishman.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” replies Tiger.

“Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant. “Those fellas at Buick think of everything”.

Golfer’s Confession

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, “I have a confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” she asked.

“I’m a golfer,” he said. “What’s the big deal about that?” she asked.

He replied, “When I say I’m a golfer, I mean that I’ll
be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf — golf wins.”

She pondered a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that
you should know about. I’m a hooker.”

“No problem,” was his response, “just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up.”

A BLONDES DEATH

There is a red head a blonde and brunette that were all three sentenced to death.

So, the soldiers all line up and they stick the red head out there. The captain says, “ready, aim, …” and the red head yells, “earthquake”. They all run and the red head gets away.

So, they come back the next day and it’s the brunettes turn to be sentenced for death so the captain for the second time says, “ready, aim, …” and the brunette yells, “tornado”. So, they all run and she gets away.

The third day they came back for the blonde’s turn to die and they got lined up and the captain for the third time yells, “ready, aim, …” and the blonde yells out, “FIRE!!”

Lawyer at a Party

A young lawyer is at a party with some of his friends when a girl comes along with a plate of chips.

The girl offers the chips around and everyone in turn takes a chip.

The girl offers the chips around a second time and again everyone takes one.

Finally the girl decides to offer the chips around a third time. Again everyone accepts until she reaches the lawyer.
“What is this!” he says, somewhat bothered “Do you think I’m some kind of food goblin?!”

Duck

Joe died.

Before entering heaven, Joe stopped at the gates. The gate master then told him that here, in heaven, there was only one rule. “Don’t step on the ducks!”

Joe nodded in agreement. This shouldn’t be too hard, right? Well, once inside the gates of heaven, Joe met two men. After conversing with them for quite some time, the three decided to see what would happen if they stepped on a duck. So one of Joe’s friends did, and as soon as it happened, two angels came down and magically cuffed the man to the ugliest woman ever. It was punishment.

A couple weeks later, Joe’s other friend suffered the same fate.

Walking along, one day, Joe was picked up by two angels and cuffed to a glorious, sexy woman who he would gladly go to bed with.

Curiously, he asked. “Why have I been hand cuffed to such a gorgeous woman?”

The woman rolled her eyes and replied.

“I don’t know, I stepped on a duck.”

How Indians get their names

Picture in your mind, an indian village. There is a fire in the middle of the camp, and several tee-pees surrounding it. Two of the villagers are sitting outside a tee-pee. A father and his son.

The son asks his father, “Father, how do we indians get our names?” His father replied, “Well, when your older brother was born, I looked outside the tee-pee, and the first thing I saw was a running deer. So your brother’s name became Running Deer. When your sister was born, early in the morning, I looked outside the teepee, and the first thing I saw was the morning star. So, your sisters name became morning star.”

There was a long pause, and then his father asked, “By the way, why do you ask such a question Two Dogs Fucking?”

Married for 50 Years

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said,

“We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say, should we get naked?” The two then stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!”