Tag: Story


Heavenly Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s.” The hands had never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man “And whose clock is that one?” *

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock.” The hands had moved twice. Telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

“Where’s Senator John Kerry’s clock?” asked the man.

“Senator’s Kerry’s clock is in Jesus’ office.” St. Peter responded.

“Senator Kerry’s clock is so important it is in Jesus’ office?” Asked, the man.

“Yes, he’s using it as a ceiling fan.” Responded St. Peter.

WalMart Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars … a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
and
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Most Functional Word

“The Most Functional Word ”

Well it’s Shit …….. That’s right, Shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider this: You can be shit faced, shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,
buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shine. There are lucky shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit you can throw shit, sling shit,
catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit, or take a shit. You can be happier than a pig in shit, or you can find yourself in deep shit.

Some days are cold as shit, some days are hot as shit,
and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit,
not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes every thing you touch turns to shit. And others times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, shit is the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!

Tell people about this shit, if you give a shit.

Just Spell

A man died and arrived at the pearly gates where St. Peter waited for him. St. Peter said, “Okay, you’re already cleared to go into heaven, you just have to pass one simple test.”

“Okay,” said the man.

“All you have to do is spell the word love”

“Oh, that’s easy. L-O-V-E, ” said the man.

St. Peter replied, “Okay well you’re good to get into heaven, but do you think you could do me a favor and cover my job for a bit while I run a few errands? All you’ll have to do is when someone comes ask them how to spell love.”

“Sure,” said the man.

St. Peter left to run his errands and sure enough someone arrived at the gates. It was the man’s wife. The man asked his wife what she was doing here and how she died.

“Well,” she said, “I was really depressed when you died and I just didn’t see any point in living without you, so I thought I’d kill myself and come spend all of eternity with you.”

“Sure, honey,” said the man, “all you have to do is pass one test.”

“Okay, what do I have to do?” said his wife.

“Just spell the word, ‘Chrysanthemum’.”

Geography of Women

Between the ages of 16-17 a woman is like Antartica. They are cold and undiscovered. Yet, No one wants the trouble of getting there!

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

California Cow

You have a cow and a bull.

The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn’t.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows”.

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the children”.

Gray Davis had already signed a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The cow starves to death.

The L.A. Times’ analysis shows your business failure is Bush’s fault.

Sunday Sex

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

Easter

John L. Smith marries Sara H. Goldberg, after the wedding ceremony they go to their honeymoon suite. They both get undressed with Sara expecting incredible wedding night bliss.

John says, “I can’t do it tonight, its still Lent.”

Sara replies, “Oh my God, to whom and for how long.”

Dumb Tennessian

One day Alabama, Nebraska, and Tennessee football players had to ride together to California to go to a football conference. On the the way there, their car breaks down right beside Death Valley and they had to walk the rest of the way.

About an hour later they see a news van coming down the road, they try to wave it down, but instead of stopping and offering them a ride they get out and start filming them! They followed them for God only knows how long when finally stopped them and started interviewing them, they asked them what they brought with them to survive in the desert.

They asked the Alabama player he said, “I brought a gallon of water so I wouldn’t dehydrate.” They thought that was pretty smart.

They asked the Nebraska player what he brought and he said, “I brought a pack of bologna so I wouldn’t starve.” They thought that was pretty smart too.

They asked what the Tennessee player what he brought with him and he said, “A car door.” “What did you bring a car door with you for!?” He replied, “So I can roll the window down if I get hot … Duh.”

The Man and his Farm

There was once a man who owned a farm. One day, he decided to buy some animals for his farm. He went to the animal mall.

He spotted a chicken. He said to the owner, “I would like to buy that chicken.” The owner replied, “Its called a poulet (prounounced pull-it)” The farmer bought it, and then went to a rooster shop. The owner said, “Its called a cock, not a rooster” so the owner bought that too. On the way home, he saw a man selling a donkey. He said, “I would like the buy that donkey”, but the man said, “the correct term is ‘ass’, not ‘donkey'”, so the farmer bought the ass also. The seller quickly added, “once in a while, give him a scratch behind the ears, he likes that.

The farmer then said, “alright, would you please hold my cock and poulet while I scratch my ass?”