I made a living being the world’s strongest man. Once I lifted a tractor trailer 3 feet off the ground and pulled a jet down the runway but yo’ mama so fat I tried to lift her and my career was over.
Tag: Story
Blondes Fishing
These two blondes went fishing. They rented a boat and rowed out into the middle of the lake. They were doing really well-pulling fish in left and right for about 3 hours. One blonde even had to go rent another boat to hold all the fish they were pulling in!!!
“Mark this spot somehow,” one blonde said to the other. “I would like to fish this well again, this seems to be our lucky spot!” she said beaming. The other blonde smiled proudly and replied, “already did, when you went for the second boat!” “Cool!”
So the blondes continued for another couple hours. After that, they got tired, so they turned in the boats and packed up the fish. On the way back to their shared apartment one blonde said curiously, “How’d you mark the spot?”
“I put a BIG ‘x’ mark on the bottom of the boat!”
The other blonde smacked her in the back of the head.
“You idiot!” she exclaimed. “What if we don’t get the same boat?”
Construction Communication
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.
He points at his eye meaning “I”, points at his knee
meaning “need”, and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to
the 1st floor and shouts, “What the f*ck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!”
The other guy says, “I knew that, I was just trying to
tell you I’m coming.”
Mental Institute
A guy walks into a mental institute dressed in plastic wrap and nothing else. The guys goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I need help.”
The doctor replies, “Yes, I know, I can clearly see your nuts.”
Patrick the Bartender
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. As he’s enjoying his drink, the bartender says, “You know, I built this very bar with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the barbuilder”.
The guy just sits enjoying his drink and says, “that’s too bad” in a non-enthusiastic voice. The guy finishes his drink, orders another one and about 5 minutes later the bartender says, “I built these stools with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the Stoolbuilder”.
The guy just shrugs it off again and keeps drinking his drink and about 5 mintutes later the bartender says, “I built this countertop with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the countertopbuilder”.
The guy does the same thing and keeps enjoying his drink. A minute later the bartender says, “But you fuck one sheep.”
The Farmer and the Lawyer
A bigshot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage, and the farmer realized he was at fault.
After looking over the impeccably dressed and dignified lawyer in his $2,000 suit, silk tie, starched white shirt and polished wingtip shoes, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. He handed it to the lawyer, and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this; it
Cowboy in the Desert
A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie … “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
*** POOF ***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”
“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
*** POOF ***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
*** POOF ***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.
Santa is Quitting
T’was the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days–they all are the pits.
They want the impossible–those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls…their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo’s–NO request for them.
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!
Flying through the air…dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment.
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season!
The Roosters and the Cat
Guy 1: There are 3 black roosters standing on a fence. How many feet are on the fence?
Guy 2: 6 feet.
Guy 1: A white cat jumps on the fence and tries to eat the chicken. How many teeth does the cat have?
Guy 2: I don’t know.
Guy 1: I guess you know more about black cocks than you do about white pussy.
Can We Talk?
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, “May we talk? … I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”
The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”
The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first … A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow excretes big patties, and the horse excretes clumps of dried grass … Why is that?”
The first guy says, “Gee, I don’t know.”
The other guy says, “Oh? … Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you really don’t know shit?”