A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, “So, where ya’ll from?”
The Northern girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, “So, where ya’ll from, bitch?”
While undressing for bed one night, ol’ Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, “I can’t let Hillary see this!” and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital the very next day.
“Doc” he says, “I’ve got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it”? The doctor says, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what it is but take these pills for a week and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we’ll try something else.”
Bill takes the pills for the week but,unfortunately, the red ring is still there after seven days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him that the pills hadn”t helped. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions, “take them for a week and come back if it’s not improved.”
Bill takes the capsules for a week and damn the red ring is still there.
So he goes back to his doctor and asks, “What next”? The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. “Rub this on every day for a week and let me know”.
Bill goes back in a week and says, “Great news, doc! The rash is gone!
That stuff in the tube was wonderful. What was it”? The doctor replied, “lipstick remover”
A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven’t eaten in 38 days. Replying with concern, the son asks “what’s the matter Mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?” Mom replies, not that, “I didn’t want to have my mouth full of food when you called.”
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
“There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me …”
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Tennessee.
Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agreed it was a simple deduction, “If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.”
A young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up.
“Have you ever been x-rayed?”, asked the doctor.
“Nope,” she replied, “But ah’ve been ultra-violated.”
A reporter walked up to a group of four guys on the street. There was a Saudi Arabian, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. He asked them, “Excuse me, what’s your opinion of the meat shortage?”
The Saudi replied, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian asked, “What is meat?”
The North Korean said, “What is an opinion?”
And the New Yorker says, “What’s excuse me?”
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and the situation becomes extremely perilous when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses control and stands up in the front of the plane. Sobbing, she screams, “I’m too young to die!”. A moment later she wails, “If I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I have had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!”. For a moment there is silence. The passengers have forgotten their own peril, and they stare, riveted, at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Suddenly, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He begins to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves or speaks, transfixed. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as this strange, swarthy man approaches.
He removes his shirt, revealing his tanned flesh. The muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches for her, extending his arms and the shirt to the trembling woman. He reaches her, finally, and whispers, “Iron this.”
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He’s closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he is to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”
The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”
The man replies, “well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.”
“Well, that’s really sad,” said Joe, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”
“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”