Tag: Story


Butt Prints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of God they were,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked Him, “What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too big to be from feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”

“You would not learn, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.

“Because in life, there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver’s License Application

Name:______________ Stage name:________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly Female

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

TEST

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax;
e) Valium.

If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

********************
Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bullet-proof
window on your left.

Country Love

A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker.

A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure.

Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.

Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get something’s help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man.

“What happened to you?” asked the trucker, with a grin.

The man explained his plight…

The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, “This just ain’t been your day, has it boy!”

Living to 100

A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?”

“No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.”

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.

“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”

“Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

Egg Timer

Mark: “You know Joe, I made love to my wife last night for the first time in two months!”

Joe: “Two months?! That’s a long time! I’m really glad to hear that things are better for you and your wife.”

Mark: “Well … actually we almost made love.”

Joe: “ALMOST?! How can you ALMOST make love?”

Mark: “Well, I found out afterwards that my wife was just using me to time an egg.”

A Place to Spend the Night

A traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

“Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk.” said the hospitable old man. “But I ain’t got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.”

“Oh!” said the salesman, “Just how far is it to the next house?”

Stranded for 10 Years

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Hatpins

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. “Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. “Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. “God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. “Right again,” said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister didn’t notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?” Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

Bra Choices

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “There is more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,” replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what are the types?

The saleslady replied, “The Catholic Type. The Salvation Army Type, and the Baptist type. Which One do you need?”

Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”

The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

New Yorkers in Heaven

This group of New Yorkers went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Golden Gates that day … St. Peter didn’t know what to do with so many people at the gates so he ran to God … St. Peter said, “God there is a group of New Yorkers at the gates and they want to get in.” God says, “Well what is the problem, let them in, two at a time if you have to.” So, St. Peter runs back to the gates to let them in. A few seconds later God hears St. Peter running back. St. Peter comes running up to God and says, “God, they’re gone!” God says, “Who, the New Yorkers?” St. Peter says, “No, the Golden Gates.”