18 Basic Rules for Driving in Washington, DC

(1) A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in, before hitting construction barrels.
(2) Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them.
(3) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you’re going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
(4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
(5) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance: He might not have much to lose, you do.)
(6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
(7) Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up.
(8) The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make DC look progressive.
(9) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to scare people entering the highway.
(10) Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our nation’s Capitol look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
(11) Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
(12) Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown DC.
(13) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you’re lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged. (The proceeds of such ventures are vested directly into the Democratic front-runner’s campaign for Mayor).
(14) Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC / Metro area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to VDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.
(15) It is traditional in DC to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions.
(16) Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
(17) Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
(18) All unmarked exits lead to Southeast DC.

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