Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.