The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or “Hickbonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – (noun) – Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – (verb) – Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – (noun) – A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – (adjective) – Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – (noun) – A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.
VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureau.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

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