Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Category: Animals
A Short Joke
Q: Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh (poo).
Gorilla
Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can’t bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop.
When he’s done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”
“AM I HURT?”, he shouts, “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written …”
Why God Created Pets
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, “Why did God create pets?”
Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.” And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.” And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.” And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.” And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.” And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn’t give a crap one way or the other.
Hounded Out
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
Hot Pooch …
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
INFORMATION made POWERFUL
Read this out loud:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.
Cows Standing
Two cows are standing around in a paddock. One of them says, “MOOOO” and the other says, “I thought you’d say that”.
The General’s Dog
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued, “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said, “Good trade Sir!”
Panda Bear
A panda walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders some food to eat. He calmly eats all his food until he is finished.
As he gets up he pulls out a gun and fires a few shots into the ceiling. No one is injured but the bartender is furious.
Why the heck did you do that?!” The bartender yells. As he was walking out the door the panda turned around and said: “I’m a panda, look it up.” And he leaves. So the bartender goes into his back room and pulls out his old dictionary. After blowing the dust off it he opens it and finds the entry for “panda.”
It says: “PANDA: native to Asia and a member of the raccoon family. Has black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.”