Category: Animals


Clever Dog

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again, the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!-against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

To which the guy responds, “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

Firetruck

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man’s hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog’s testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, “That’s really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I’ll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck.”

“Yeah,” Johnny replied, “but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Sex for the Parrot

A woman also had a parrot who was constantly squawking profanity. She consulted a veterinarian, who said that the parrot probably just needed sex, and that he had a female parrot he would rent to the woman for $500.

It was a lot of money, but finally the woman paid. She put the female parrot in her parrot’s cage, and pulled a cover over the cage. Moments later she heard screeching from the cage, and rushed back to find that her bird had the female pinned to the bottom of the cage and was plucking her feathers.

“For five hundred dollars!” shouted the male parrot, “I want you NAKED! NAKED!!!”

The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Crazy Bats

Two bats were hanging up side down at 2:00 in the morning. One of the bats woke up and whacked his mate in the wing and asked him if he would like to go and get some blood, in which the other bat replied, “Are you crazy? Where the heck are we going to get blood at this hour of the morning?”

The first bat said, “I know just the place, come and I’ll promise you I will find us some blood!”

The 2nd bat bluntly refused, so the first took off to find his blood.

About an hour had past and the bat came back with blood dribbling out of his mouth covering his body and wings. The bat that didn’t go said “You lucky bat, where the heck did you find blood at this hour of the morning?” to which the first replied – “Do you see that tree over there?”

“Yeah, sort of.” he replied

“WELL I DIDN’T!!!!!”

If Cat’s Kept Journals

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair … must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant, pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan …

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick mind could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

By Chance

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet” said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or Should I?”

Hunting

Murphy knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.

“Pardon me,” said Murphy, “are you game?”

She looked him up and down and seductively said, “Yes.”

So he shot her.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

– A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
– A dog’s parents never come to visit.
– A dog’s time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
– Anyone can get a good looking dog.
– Dogs are excited by rough play.
– Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.
– Dogs can’t talk.
– Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
– Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
– Dogs don’t expect you to call them when you’re running late.
– Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
– Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their life.
– Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
– Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dogs name.
– Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
– Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or sock drawer.
– Dogs love it when your friends come over.
– Dogs love long car trips.
– Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
– Dogs never want a foot rub.
– Dogs seldom outlive you.
– Dogs think you sing great.
– Dogs understand that farts are funny.
– Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
– Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
– No dog ever bought a Michael Bolton album.
– The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
– When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
– You never have to wait for a dog, they’re ready 24 hours a day.