Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said, “Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?”
The other answered, “Yeah! It’s probably because they have real toys to play with!”
The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.
“Liza,” she began, “I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady’s tummy and…”
“It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom,” interrupted the daughter, “but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm.”
Signs your son is too old too breastfeed.
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos.”
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”.
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
Finally, an exercise plan with some real incentive!
Sex is the most practical and fun way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement…………………………12 cal
Without her agreement……………………..187 cal
* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands…………………………….8 cal
With one Hand………………………………12cal
With one hand being slapped…………………37 cal
With the mouth…………………………….85 cal
* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection………………………………6 cal
Without erection………………………….315 cal
* PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris………………….8 cal
Trying to find G spot………………………92 cal
Without caring at all……………………….0 cal
* WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up…………………………….12 cal
Just on the floor…………………………..8 cal
* POSITIONS
missionary……………………………….12 cal
69 laying………………………………….8 cal
69 standing up……………………………112 cal
Trolley………………………………….216 cal
Italian chandelier………………………..912 cal
* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real…………………………………….112 cal
Fake…………………………………….315 cal
* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed…………………………….18 cal
Jumping off the bed………………………..36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed……….816 cal
* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age………………12 cal
from 20 to 29……………………………..36 cal
from 30 to 39…………………………….108 cal
from 40 to 49…………………………….324 cal
from 50 to 59…………………………….972 cal
over 60…………………………………2916 cal
* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly…………………………………..32 cal
Being in a hurry…………………………..98 cal
With her husband opening the door………….1218 cal
A very “popular” girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, “I know that you are not married. Do you know who the father of this baby is?”
She thought to herself and then asked, “Doc, if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”
An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different?”
Bessie looks up and says “Sam, what’s different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!”
Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam.”
After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.
“How is everything going, Eve?” He asked.
“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells … the sights … everything is wonderful. I just have this one problem. It’s these three breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real bother,” Eve said.
“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need at least half that many. But I see that you are right. I’ll fix that up right away!”
God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation today?” He asked.
“Fantastic, except for one small oversight on your part,” she replied. “You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”
God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you.”
“Now, let’s see … where did I leave that useless boob?”
A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?”
She says, “I just had my check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up” she replied.
10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra, Home of the whopper
6. Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em
5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling!
3. Viagra, Ten inches long … and growing.
2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to!
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?