Category: Body / Anatomy / Health


Holiday Note

From Brawley friends, Teresa and Van

For Christmas this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, incredibly perky breasts, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!)

Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air … then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny’s rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!!

It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.)

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY

Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn’t help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my damn shoes.) Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine … which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe BITCH.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Bitch). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the damn weather channel.

SUNDAY

I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun … like a root canal or a vasectomy!

Learning About Life

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.

“Liza,” she began, “I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady’s tummy and…”

“It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom,” interrupted the daughter, “but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm.”

Too Old To Breastfeed

Signs your son is too old too breastfeed.

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos.”
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

Five Story Hotel

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”.

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

Exercise Plan

Finally, an exercise plan with some real incentive!

Sex is the most practical and fun way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement…………………………12 cal
Without her agreement……………………..187 cal

* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands…………………………….8 cal
With one Hand………………………………12cal
With one hand being slapped…………………37 cal
With the mouth…………………………….85 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection………………………………6 cal
Without erection………………………….315 cal

* PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris………………….8 cal
Trying to find G spot………………………92 cal
Without caring at all……………………….0 cal

* WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up…………………………….12 cal
Just on the floor…………………………..8 cal

* POSITIONS
missionary……………………………….12 cal
69 laying………………………………….8 cal
69 standing up……………………………112 cal
Trolley………………………………….216 cal
Italian chandelier………………………..912 cal

* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real…………………………………….112 cal
Fake…………………………………….315 cal

* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed…………………………….18 cal
Jumping off the bed………………………..36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed……….816 cal

* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age………………12 cal
from 20 to 29……………………………..36 cal
from 30 to 39…………………………….108 cal
from 40 to 49…………………………….324 cal
from 50 to 59…………………………….972 cal
over 60…………………………………2916 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly…………………………………..32 cal
Being in a hurry…………………………..98 cal
With her husband opening the door………….1218 cal

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different?”

Bessie looks up and says “Sam, what’s different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!”

Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam.”

Extra Boob

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.

“How is everything going, Eve?” He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells … the sights … everything is wonderful. I just have this one problem. It’s these three breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real bother,” Eve said.

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need at least half that many. But I see that you are right. I’ll fix that up right away!”

God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation today?” He asked.

“Fantastic, except for one small oversight on your part,” she replied. “You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you.”

“Now, let’s see … where did I leave that useless boob?”

The Check Up

A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?”

She says, “I just had my check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?”

“Your name never came up” she replied.