Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
Category: Body / Anatomy / Health
The New Tattoo
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.”
What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?”
“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow … Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money … And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”
Doing The Laundry
An elderly couple had a happy marriage and what made it so very good was that they had invented a phrase to describe the act of love, so that there was never any vulgarity in their talk. Their metaphor for the act of love was “Doing the Laundry.”
One day when Cora Jean, the wife, was vacuuming the living room, Tom Sam, the husband, was watching her with great interest. She was bending over to get dirt from the corners of the room, and stretching up to get dust from the tall lamps. Tom Sam was watching with great interest.
Then Tom Sam said to Cora Jean, “Darling, how about if we do a little laundry?”
Cora Jean said, with reluctance, “Sweetheart, I just have to get this house ready for our guests this weekend.” So then she continued her cleaning, and Tom Sam went off about his business.
That night when they went to bed, Cora Jean said, “Sweetheart, what about that laundry you mentioned earlier?”
To which Tom Sam said, “Darling, I just had a small load, so I decided to do it by hand.”
Marines New Job
A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?” He was asked.
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?” he was asked.
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.” The marine said.
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.” The marine said.
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
As Long As He Has A Limb …
One fella without arms and legs is knocking at a brothel door.
A guy open the door and ask him, “Hey man. What are you doing here, in a brothel, with no arms and legs?”
The fella answers him, “With what do you believe I’ve just knocked?”
Stripper’s Accident
A stripper, in a hurry to get home, leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper, sending her flying into the air and landing unconscious on her back, with her charms exposed to the world.
As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper’s crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver, hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about. Noticing the near naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, “Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!”
Masturbation and Procrastionation
Q: What do masturbation and procastionation have in common?
A: Both feel great at first, but then you realize your just screwing yourself.
First Female Trucker
This woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.
The head guy says: “I don’t know lady … you’ll be the first woman. Before I can hire you I’ll have to see if you fit in with the guys.
I have three questions for you …
1. “Do you drink?”
She replies, “At least a six pack a day”
2. “Do you swear?”
She replies, “Shit yeah, all the damn time!”
“OK, then, I got only one more question … you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
She replies, “No — but I’ve been swung around by my tits a few times!”
ABC’s
A boy was sitting in school, and he asked the teacher if he could go to the bathroom. The teacher asked him to recite his ABC’s.
“ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ”
The teacher asked, “Where is the ‘P’?”
The boy replied, “Dripping down my leg.”
A Bud Lite?
A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam … I know what the K-Y is for … and I know what the glove is for … but what’s the BEER for?” At that, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door flung it door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dam*it, nurse! I said a BUTT light!