Category: Body / Anatomy / Health


Latex Factory

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a “Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop” noise. “Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”

“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. “It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”

“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”

“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”

Green Pubes

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, “Keep off the grass.”

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Brown Balls

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc’s with a rash on his belly. “All right” says the Doc, “drop ’em and let’s have a look.” Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims “Yes, you’ve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you’ve got. They’re truly remarkable!”.

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says “Look Doc, what about the rash?”

“Oh that’s easy,” said the Doc, “Here’s some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, may I ask …”

“No,” said the patient, “You can’t. Now, is that all Doc?”

“Well, ” said the Doctor, “You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I’ve ever seen!”

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day. “What?” she yells, “Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven’t even got time to wipe my arse!”

“Ah” he said, “And that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about …”

Young Female Teacher

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”

Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”

Sex One Liners

Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Q: What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A: “How come?”

Q: What’s the definition of a teenager?
A: God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

Q: Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A: “They’ll never see you coming.”

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

Q: What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.

My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. (pause) He said, “Did I call you or did you call me?”

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!

Q: What’s the ultimate in rejection?
A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
A: There’d be too many thank you notes to write.

Q: What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
A: Two Mennonite!

Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

Q: Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
A: Is it in?

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One … Men will screw anything.

Johnny’s Gambling

The teacher had caught Johnny gambling several times. She requested a conference with Johnny’s dad who admitted that he also had tried to break Johnny of his gambling habit.

After many failed efforts, Johnny one day (after school) called the teacher a hypocrite.

“Why do you say that, Johnny,” she asked.

“Because you are.”

Again she asked, “why.”

He said, “Because you’re not a true blonde.”

She demanded to know how much money Johnny had. It came to about $50. She bet him $50 dollars she was a true blonde.

She went behind her desk and removed her panties. Then she stood with her back to the door and pulled her dress up showing her radiantly blonde pubic hair. Afterwards she called the father and told him what she had done “in Johnny’s best interest.”

The father moaned and groaned and cried, “Oh, no,” numerous times.

The teacher said, “Look, I did this for Johnny. Do you think it was easy for me to pull up my dress and show Johnny my pussy? I’d think you’d be understanding instead of critical!”

The father replied, “Oh, I’m not so upset that you showed Johnny your pussy, it’s just that …”

“Just that what?” the embarrassed teacher asked.

The father replied, “It’s just that I decided to break Johnny of betting myself, and this morning I bet him that he was wrong when he boasted that before the day was over, he’d have you lifting your skirt and showing him your pussy.”

Headache Cure

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and …”

He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral gratification. When she reached her peak, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

Blonde Therapy

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was. “I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.”

The shrink thought for a moment and said … “Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don’t you try nursing?” The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says … “Well go ahead, I’ll give it a try!”

AWOL

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.

After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.

The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”

The recruit replied, “On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap … and I wasn’t about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir.”