Hot Pooch …

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

You know you’re from Northern New York When…

1) You only own 3 spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.

2) You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

3) The mosquitos have landing lights.

4) You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

5) True Value Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

6) You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

7) You live in a house that has no front steps yet the door is one yard above the ground.

8) You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

9) Driving is better in the winter becase the potholes get filled up with snow.

10) You think lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.

11) You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

12) The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 of the page, but requires six pages for sports.

13) At least twice a year the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

14) The most effective mosquito repellant is a shotgun.

Furniture Business

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady … she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.

She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he’s never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Saying, “I Love You”

Impress your sweetie. Try saying “I love you” in a different language each morning:

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je t’aime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Kansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, Arizona, and Kentucky . . . Nice Tits

The Slap of Luxury

An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights. “Do you have a car phone?” its driver asked the man in the Rolls.

“Of course I do” was the haughty reply.

“Do you have a fax machine?”

The Rolls driver sighed. “I have that too.”

“Do you have a double bed in the back?” the MG driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.

That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.

A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the MG’s rear window. “I want you to know that I’ve had a double bed installed” bragged the Rolls driver.

The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”

Titanic

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National day of mourning, which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as … Sinko de Mayo.

Only in America …

1. Only in America … can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America … are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America … do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America … do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America … do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America … do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America … do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America … do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”

10. Only in America … do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Happy Baby

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. 24 babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by and, to the gays delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. “Isn’t it wonderful?” Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”

The nurse says, “He’s happy now, but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”