Category: Medical


Doctor’s Visit

A couple age 67 went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man said, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, ‘There isn’t anything wrong with the way you have intercourse,’ and he charged the couple $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, ‘Just exactly what are you trying to find out?’ The old man said, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00, the Hilton charges $78.00, and we can do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.

Or What?

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that His wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”

The Painful Tooth

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

Same Doctor

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, “YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE… YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION … AND I’D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!”

Happy Baby

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. 24 babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by and, to the gays delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. “Isn’t it wonderful?” Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”

The nurse says, “He’s happy now, but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”

Top 10 Marketing Slogans for Viagra

10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra, Home of the whopper
6. Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em
5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling!
3. Viagra, Ten inches long … and growing.
2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to!

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

Virus

CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS: (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think “we go on”).

DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.

PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.