Category: Miscellaneous


Human Resources Memo

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals through out the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with …
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Blind Blonde

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt and blonde. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225 pounds and he’s a rugby player and blonde. The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler and blonde. Think about it, Mister.

You still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Cats and Dogs

The reason for dogs to exist is simple …

Everyone needs at least one creature that will look at you and think you are the single most important thing in the universe … that depends on you for food, water, love … that is eager to do anything so that they can get approval …

The reason for cats to exist is also simple …

Everyone needs at least one creature that has no such illusions … that will look at you and see you for exactly how very unimportant you are in the scheme of things …

3-D Image

Try this. It’s pretty cool. Try not to cheat and look at the answer. Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image.

Get as close to your monitor as possible then slowly pull away. You’ll be quite amazed when it comes into view.

{{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++?????????????/////////////%

||||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^”””””””}}}}}}}]]]]]]]<<<<<<<%%
=/////////^^!~~~~~::—))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%

===]]?????///////*****<<<<<<<{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~

$$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)———-%%%%

Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer. If you had trouble and didn't see it, try getting close to the screen, even placing your nose on the screen, and slightly blur your eyes for about 30 seconds, that usually helps people to see it. Scroll down to compare the answer to what you saw.

It's NOTHING, you idiot, get back to work. I can't believe you fell for that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose on your monitor!

Corrective Lenses

So this lady is stopped by a police officer. He asks to see her license.

She says, “Certainly, officer” and gets it out for him. He checks it out. “Lady, the license says you need corrective lenses!”

“Officer,” she replies, “I have contacts!”

“Look, lady, I don’t care WHO you know in City Hall, you’re supposed to be wearing glasses!”

Chemical Plant Fire

A fire starts inside a chemical plant, and the alarm goes out to fire departments for miles around.

After crews have been fighting the fire for more than an hour, the company president approaches the fire chief and says, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine crew that brings them out!” Several crews try, but none can get through.

Suddenly a hook and ladder filled with a volunteer squad of men over 65 comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firefighters watch, unbelieving, as the old-timers hop off their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president beams as he walks over to reward the volunteers. “What do you guys plan to do with the money?” he asks after he writes them out a check.

The old guy who drove the engine looks him in the eye and answers, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the d#@* brakes on that truck.”

The Young Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

Name of the Bar

One day, three guys were sitting at a new bar in town and they were broke and couldn’t buy a drink. So the bartender says, “If you can guess what the name of the bar is, I’ll give you a free drink tomorrow morning.”

So the first guys says, “The Best Bar?” and the bartender says, “Nope.”

The second guys says, “The Worst Bar?” and the bartender says, “Nope.”

The third guy says, “Lucy’s Legs?” and the bartender says, “Yeah, how did you know?” and the guy says, “Just a lucky guess.”

So the next day the guy was sitting outside the bar and a policeman comes up and says, “Why are you out here?” and the guy answers, “I’m waiting for Lucy’s Legs to open so I can get a drink.”