One day a blonde woman walks into a bar and sits down and pours out a bag of M&M’s, picks the brown ones out and eats the other colors.
The bartender comes up to her and asks why she was taking out all the brown M&M’s, she says, “I’m allergic to chocolate.”
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to stand on the ladder and hold the bulb, and one to turn the ladder.
A stripper, in a hurry to get home, leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper, sending her flying into the air and landing unconscious on her back, with her charms exposed to the world.
As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper’s crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver, hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about. Noticing the near naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, “Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!”
Q: What do masturbation and procastionation have in common?
A: Both feel great at first, but then you realize your just screwing yourself.
Yo Mamma is so stupid she fell out the window and went up.
Q: Whats the difference between Northern fairy tales and Southern fairy tales?
A: Northern fairy tales begin with, “Once apon a time
1. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
2. “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
3. “I was working smarter — not harder.”
4. “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
5. “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
6. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
7. “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
8. “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
9. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
10. “I’m actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
11. “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
12. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
13. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
14. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
15. “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
There was a boy who wnated to join a club. He walked up to the entrance, and the boy standing there told him “You must anwser these questions if you want to join the club”
“Ok” said the boy.
“The first one, how many T’s in a week? The second, how many days in a month, the next, what is God’s real name?”
The boy looked at him for a moment and said, “I’ll be back tomorrow with the anwsers”
The next day the boy came back with the answers. “There are 2 T’s in a week, today and tomorrow, there are 4 days in a month …”
“And what is God’s real name?”
“Howard” said the boy.
The other boy gasped. “How’d you know that?”
The boy shrugged and said, “Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name.”
An Englishman, a Irishman and a Scotsman were all sentenced to 10 years in a Turkish jail. However, because the judge was in a good mood, they were permitted to have any thing they want supplied in the jail with them. The Englishman asks for a couple hundred barrels of whiskey. So they lock him in there with a ten year supply of his favourite brand. Next the Scotsman asks to be locked away with a half dozen beautiful blondes. So they put him in his cell with some of the best looking women in the city. Finally the Irishman asks for some cigars, they lock him away with a ten year supply of the finest Cuban cigars.
Ten years later, the warden comes to release the prisoners. They open the Englishman’s cell and he’s slumped dead in a corner, apparently he died of alcohol poisoning. Moving on, they open the Scots’s cell and he’s dead too, laying flat and motionless on a bed with a smile etched on his face. The women tell the guards he died of exhaustion just two weeks ago. Finally they get to the Irish man. Dreading the worst, they open his cell and the Irishman jumps out with a cigar in his hand and asks: “Have you got a light?”