Category: Miscellaneous


Real Notices from Real Church Bullitens

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

Among needed items for Vacation Bible School: wooden bowels.

“Wise Up, 0 Men of God”

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Tonight’s sermon – “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted … the minutes were approved … the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa named Bertha Belch is speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Announcement: “Come tonight and hear Barbara Belch all the way from Africa.”

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.”

Lip Prints

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the Maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers … and then there are TEACHERS.

Camel Marathon Winner

During an interview, the camel marathon champion was asked how he got an extra two to three days out of his camels in between watering holes.

“Oh, you wait until they almost fill up with water and then walk around back and slap two bricks around his testicles. Doing that makes them drink more water deeply and quickly on top of what they usually drink.”

“But—but doesn’t that HURT?”

“Only if you get your fingers caught in between the bricks.”

Grown Up Words

Some kindergartner students had moved up to the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, “No, No, you went to see your grandmother.” Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

The teacher again said, “No, No, you went on a trip on a train.” That’s the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, “Winnie the Shit.”

Captain’s Red Shirt

There was a captain of a war ship. While on lookout, he got news he would be under attack by another ship. He told his second in command to get him his red shirt. So, he quickly got him his red shirt. The next day, there were 10 ships attacking, and he told his second in command to get him his red shirt.

After days of fighting, his second in command finally asked him, why he wore his red shirt. The captain told him, that if he got shot, no one would see the blood.

One day, he was under attack by 100 ships, and his second in command asked if he wanted his red shirt, and he said, “NO, get me my brown pants!”