Category: Miscellaneous


Escaped Convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!”

“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved that you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you’re cute!”

Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is touring working men’s clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He is going through his “stupid blonde” jokes when a big blonde woman stands on her chair and shouts, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating jokes, you arsehole! What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from reaching my full potential, because you perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large, all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde pipes up again. “You stay out of this,” she says. “I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

Jet Fuel Coctails

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings … It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing …”

“What’s that?”

“Have you farted yet?”

“No …”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!

“Give” Me Your Hand

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. “Give me your hand!” but the man would not reach up.

Jack elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. “Friend,” he asked, “what is your profession?”

“I am an income tax inspector,” gasped the man. “In that case,” said Jack, “take my hand!”

The man immediately grasped Jack’s hand and was hauled to safety. Jack turned to the amazed by-standers. “Never ask a tax man to ‘give’ you anything, you fools.”

Signs You’re Broke

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch anymore.

6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7. Your rob Peter … and then rob Paul.

8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday … just for the orange juice.

12. Sally Struther’s sends you food.

13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14. At communion you go back for seconds.

Hunting

Murphy knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.

“Pardon me,” said Murphy, “are you game?”

She looked him up and down and seductively said, “Yes.”

So he shot her.

How To Sing The Blues

1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman–with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman,
With the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher,
And he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. Violet
b. Beige
c. Mauve

9. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. The highway
b. The jailhouse
c. The empty bed

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state–like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see
b. you’re deaf
c. you have a trust fund

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. Wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. Muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Bumpersnickers

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Montana — At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
* Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act theirs.
* I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
* There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
* Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
* Assist the Police — Beat yourself up!
* Vehicle secured by mafia: You hit our car, we hit your car.
* Nuke Unborn Gay Whales For Jesus!
* MEAN PEOPLE SUCK, NICE PEOPLE SWALLOW
* If Ignorance is Bliss, You Must Be Orgasmic …
* FUCK THE POOR! (on a Porsche)
* Don’t steal, the Government hates competition.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
* Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
* All generalizations are false.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* “JESUS LOVES YOU!

Playing the Game

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty – thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m half naked.”

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

“YES! I WIN! I WIN!” With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”