Category: Miscellaneous


Sobbing Old Man

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love … At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.” He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”

Useless Facts

1. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
2. A snail can sleep for three years.
3. All polar bears are left-handed.
4. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
5. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
6. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
7. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t become bone until the child reaches two to six years of age.
8. Butterflies taste with their feet.
9. Cats have over a hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
10. China has more English speakers than the United States.
11. Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
12. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
13. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
14. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of population.
15. If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
16. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
17. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
18. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
19. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
20. Michael Jordan has more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
21. No word in the English language rhymes with month.
22. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
23. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
24. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930s lobbied against hemp farmers – they saw it as competition.
25. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
26. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
27. Shakespeare invented the words ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.
28. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
29. Starfish haven’t got brains.
30. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
31. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
32. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
33. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
34. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
35. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet out of the body.
36. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
37. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

New Virus Alert

You’re always hearing about new computer viruses running around. Here are some to watch out for. BEWARE!

LEWINSKY VIRUS
–Sucks all the memory out of your computer … then e-mails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
–Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
–Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
–Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
–Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
–Disks can no longer be inserted.

DISNEY VIRUS
–Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS
–Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
–Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
–Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
–Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

VIAGRA VIRUS
–Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

CLINTON VIRUS
–Gives you a six inch hard drive with NO memory.

Top 10 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “an apple a day.”
5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. “Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little “m”s on them.

And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO …

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

You Know You’ve Been Out Of College Too Long When …

Your potted plants stay alive.

Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You carry an umbrella.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi and Ho-ho’s.

“I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.