Category: Miscellaneous


Why It’s Good To Be A Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator, it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll, it’s pathetic.

6. Our boyfriend’s/husband’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous; guys look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance policy.

12. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. You get the point.

14. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

15. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.

16. We know THE TRUTH about whether size matters.

17. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

18. If we have sex with someone and don’t call them the next day, we’re not the devil.

19. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

20. If we’re not making enough money, we can blame the glass ceiling.

21. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

22. It’s possible to live our entire lives without ever taking a group shower.

23. No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.

24. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

25. If we cheat on our spouses, people assume it’s because we’re being emotionally neglected.

26. WE never have to wonder if HIS orgasm was real.

27. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

28. We can congratulate our team-mates without having to ever touch her ass.

29. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

30. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

31. If we’re dumb, there are still people who will find it cute.

32. We don’t have to memorise Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

33. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

34. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

35. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

36. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

37. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

38. Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

39. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

40. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

41. We’ll never discover we’ve been duped by a Wonderbra.

42. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

43. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

Bill of NO Rights

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights.”

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:
You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX:
You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and educational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness – which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

The First Date

Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car. “I’ve got just two words for you,” she screamed. “Drop dead!”

“And I’ve got just two words for you,” Roger screamed back. “Let go!”

Indian and the Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist was walking on the street, when he saw an old Indian sitting on the side with his dog, his horse and his sheep. He thought it would be good idea to have a little fun with that Indian.

So he went to the Indian and asked him:

– “Would you mind if I talked a few words with your dog?”

– “Dog doesn’t talk!

So the ventriloquist said to the dog:

– “Hello, how are you doing? Is your master treating you well?”

– “Oh yes, He gives me enough food every day, walks with me every few hours, and he often plays with me!”

The Indian was very astonished. Then the ventriloquist asks:

– “Would you mind if I talked a few words to your horse?”

– “Horse doesn’t talk!”

So he says to the horse:

– “Hello! How are you? Is your master treating you well?”

– “Oh yes, he gives me enough food, rides me every day and gives me a nice warm place to sleep.”

The Indian is completely stunned.

Then the ventriloquist says:

– “Would you mind if I talked a few words to your sheep?”

– “Sheep lies!”

Armed Robbery

Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 A.M.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio, “33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana.” Well there was only one bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an “armed robbery” but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they continued on enjoying their coffee break. At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, “Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana.” Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.