Category: Miscellaneous


You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When …

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
* You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
* You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* All your kids are named “Joe.”
* Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
* You don’t sweat, you percolate.
* You’ve worn out the handle on your favourite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
* You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”
* You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio.
* Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
* You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energiser bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
* You don’t tan, you roast.
* You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
* Your three favourite things in life are

Mom …

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven’t eaten in 38 days. Replying with concern, the son asks “what’s the matter Mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?” Mom replies, not that, “I didn’t want to have my mouth full of food when you called.”

Facts About Women

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of “need” is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you “just don’t understand”.

4. Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there’s a spider or a wasp involved.

9. Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

10. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

11. Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling.

12. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an “on/off” switch.

13. Women think all beer is the same.

14. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

15. Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

16. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

17. Women brush their hair before bed.

18. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

19. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man’s responsibility, “It’s there in the Bible”. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

20. Women do not know anything about cars. “Oil-stick, oil doesn’t stick?”

21. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

22. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

23. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

24. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

25. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

26. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

27. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’

28. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

29. The first naked man a women see is “Ken”.

30. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

31. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

32. “Oh, nothing,” has an entirely different meaning in woman- language than it does in man- language.

33. Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.

34. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

35. All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

36. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”

37. Only women understand the reason for “guest towels” and the “good china”.

38. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

39. Origin of the word “woman” is: woo-man.

40. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

41. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they “left the seat up” instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

42. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

43. Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

44. It’s okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don’t see straight men dancing together.

45. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they’ll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

46. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, “Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!”

Bubba with 911

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

“There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

One for the Ladies

Men are like … Coffee … The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like … Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say.

Men are like … Computers … Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like … Coolers … Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like … Curling irons … They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

Men are like … Government bonds … They take so long to mature.

Men are like … Horoscopes … They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like … Lawn Mowers … If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Men are like … Lava lamps … Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like … Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like … Mini skirts … If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.

Men are like … Cement … After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like … Plungers … They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like … Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like … Snowstorms … You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

Men are like … Vacations … They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like … Weather … Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like … Department Stores … Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like … Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like … Laxatives … They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like … Parking spots … The good ones are already taken and what’s not is handicapped.

The Reporter

A reporter walked up to a group of four guys on the street. There was a Saudi Arabian, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. He asked them, “Excuse me, what’s your opinion of the meat shortage?”

The Saudi replied, “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian asked, “What is meat?”

The North Korean said, “What is an opinion?”

And the New Yorker says, “What’s excuse me?”