Category: Miscellaneous


The Slap of Luxury

An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights. “Do you have a car phone?” its driver asked the man in the Rolls.

“Of course I do” was the haughty reply.

“Do you have a fax machine?”

The Rolls driver sighed. “I have that too.”

“Do you have a double bed in the back?” the MG driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.

That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.

A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the MG’s rear window. “I want you to know that I’ve had a double bed installed” bragged the Rolls driver.

The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”

The New Manager

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words “open me first” and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: “These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.”

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the three envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: “Blame me, your predecessor for everything”.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, “Blame the government for everything”.

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, “Prepare four new envelopes”.

Only in America …

1. Only in America … can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America … are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America … do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America … do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America … do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America … do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America … do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America … do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”

10. Only in America … do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

The Blonde and the Cop

One day a blonde in a red corvette was driving down a road swirving all over the place. A cop saw her and pulled her over.

He said, “Miss, may I please see your license and registration?”

“What’s that?” said the blonde.

“Well, one you keep in your glove box and the other you keep in your wallet.”

“Okay.” After looking around for a while, she finds them and shows them to the cop.

“Will you please step out of the vehicle?” said the cop. He then draws a line on the sidewalk with chalk. He says, “Get in that circle and don’t get out until I tell you to.” So she gets in the circle and he starts looking around in the car. He accidentally dents it and she laughs.

He says,”What you think that’s funny?” She just keeps on laughing.

So he goes over and kicks the door to make an even bigger dent. She laughs even harder. So then he goes over to all the tires and pokes them with his pen to flatten them. She kept right on laughing. So, not knowing what she was laughing at, he goes over and smashes all the windows. She laughed longer and harder. He says,”My God! What’s the matter with you? I just wrecked your whole car and your laughing!”

The blonde says, “What you didn’t know was, the four times you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle.”

Ransom

One day there was a blonde in need of money. So she went to a playground and kidnapped a kid. She pulled him over by a tree and told the kid that she was holding him ransom for $10,000. She wrote a note that said she wanted $10,000 in a paper bag tomorrow by the tree. She put the note on the kid and sent him home.

The next day, sure enough there was a paper bag there by the tree. Inside was the $10,000 and a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

Drunk With Power

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

Drunk Baptism

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preacher … I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.

“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, I did not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher … “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

The Couple

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.