Category: Relationships


Hotter than Hades

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

#1 – If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 – Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Bill and Hillary

Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in the box?” Bill answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

Girlfriend / Wife Software

Last year a friend upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs which launches during system initialization whre it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beer Bash 2.5 are no longer able to run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

– Jonathan Powell

Dear Sir: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Many have tried to pursue Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with many more proglems than original system. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with current situation. Look in your manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

-David B. Finlayson, Tech Support / Wife 1.0

No Laughing Matter

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Gold Dust Twins are coming” and I had to smile.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Sloan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to grin.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly control myself.

BUT….when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.” I laughed out loud.

What a Divorce

A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.

Clinton in Hades

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates of Hell he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full but he will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He will be given the choice of who he will replace for eternity.

Before Clinton appears three doors. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich being worked over with a blow torch.

“Oh my!” Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh his skin being stripped off with a pair of pliers.

“I don’t think so.”, Clinton insists!

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is bound hand and foot, naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

“I can handle that!”, Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

Math Quiz

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story:

“There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?”

A boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully.

“No, no, no, let’s try again,” the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. “There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”

“None,” the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. Tell me how you came up with that. “It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away.”

“Well,” she says, “it’s not technically correct, but, I like the way you think.”

“Okay,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question. “There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicle’s. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?” he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.

“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “one is licking the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?”

“Well,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, “the one who’s sucking?”

“No,” the boy says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think.”