Category: Relationships


Miscommunication Between Women and Men

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball … stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”

The BBQ

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was pulling weeds, bent over, the husband said, “Honey your butt is getting big. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now”. The husband feels he needs to prove his point and gets a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt. “Yep, he said, just what I thought, about the same size.”

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about a little sex baby?”

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. “What the matter?” he asked? To which she replied, “Surely you don’t think I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?”

Three Friends Stranded in the Desert

Once there were three friends stranded in the desert because their car blew up. They were deserted for two months with nothing to eat but their own shoes and hair. Once they were completely bald and barefoot one of the guys tripped over a magic lamp.

“LET’S EAT IT!” said the 2nd guy.

“YES, YES LET’S EAT THE YUMMY DELICOUS LAMP.” said the 3rd guy.

“WAIT! Are you guys nuts?!” asked the 1st guy.

“Yes, why?” they both replied.

“WE WILL BE SWIMMING IN HOT DOGS AND CORN NUTS BECAUSE THIS IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A GENIE IN IT!”

“YEAH HOT DOGS AND CORN NUTS!”

They rubbed the lamp.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU FOOLS?!?” the genie yelled.

“Wishes sir”

“Okey dokey. You get one wish each.”

1st guy: I WANNA GO HOME

2nd: TAKE ME HOME

3rd: I’m bored I wish all of my friends were back here with me.

10 dollars is Alot

John and Linda went to the annual state fair. There was a booth in which a pilot gave you a ride in a real plane and did flips for you. A REAL plane. So John told Linda he wanted to go on the ride. But Linda said, “John, it costs 10 dollars for 2 people. 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”

The next year they came back and the ride was still there. John asked Linda hopefully but Linda replied, “10 dollars is still 10 dollars.”

The next year they went to the fair again and the ride was still there. John and Linda had the same talk as the past two years, “Ten dollars is ten dollars” Linda said for the third time. The pilot of the plane overheard the conversation. He went to them and said, “I’ll tell you what … I’ll give you that ride for free if you promise not to say anything while the plane is in the air or else it will still cost you ten dollars…”

John was excited. The pilot did flips and turns and dives in the air for John and Linda. They didn’t say a word. Finally, the pilot landed. He turned to John and said, “I tried everything I could but you didnt say anything … your ride is free.” John replied, “I was going to say something when linda fell out of the plane … but 10 dollars is 10 dollars …”

The Fun Sunday School Teacher

A Sunday School teacher goes on a blind date.

While at dinner her date asks her if she would like some wine. She says, “No, what would my Sunday School kids say?”

So, they go on with their date. Later they are at the carnival and they were having a great time. He asks her, “Would you like a cigaratte?” She asks, “What would my kids say?” So she didn’t take one.

Well, on the way home after the date, they pass a motel. He looks at her and she looks at him and they both smile. He asks, “Do you wanna stop.” She just smiled big and he says, “I guess thats a yes.” So they stayed at the motel.

The next morning when he takes her home, he asks, “What are you going tell your Sunday School kids?” She says I tell them you don’t have to smoke or drink to have a good time.

Rainy Day Affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. She looked out the window and yelled to her lover. Quick jump out the window. My husband’s home early!!

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets “It’s raining out there!”

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.

So he started running alongside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, which had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free.”

Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”

“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

“Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Nope………just when it’s raining.”

French Cuisine

A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

After the waiter arrives the man says, “I’LL have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak.”

The waiter replies “But monsieur … what about ze mad cow?”

The man replies, “She’ll have a salad.”

Death Bed Truths

A man was on his death bed. His wife was stroking his hand lovingly and speaking gentle words to him for the last time.

“I gotta tell you something honey” said the man very weakly.

“No sweetie, it’s all right, relax” replied the woman.

The man took a deep breath and said, “I have to say that I cheated on you with your sister, your mother and your aunt!!”

The wife cooed, “Sssshhhh, I know, just relax and let the poison do its job.”