Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
The one guy says, “I’m a YUPPIE…ya know…Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guys says “I’m a DINK…ya know, Double Income No Kids.”
They asked the woman, “What are you?” She replied….”I’m a WIFE…ya know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”
“Well, what should I do?,” asks the man.
“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”
“What can I do?” asks the wife.
“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”
The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
“That was great,” the pro says with a straight face. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you’re supposed to!”
Dear Redneck Son–
I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother…
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. “I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
“I’m a cop”, says the first man.
“Then we will shoot your penis off!,” said the Sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
“I’m a firemen,” said the second man. “Then we will burn your penis off!,” said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”
And the third man answered, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”
This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”
The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No. Just up to my breasts.”
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1 – If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 – Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years.”
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in the box?” Bill answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”
Deep Thoughts……by Dennis Miller
Don’t sweat the petty things and Don’t pet the sweaty things.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
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Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
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Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
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If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?
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If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him
A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, “Bout what?”
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Q: What’s long and hard on a Kentucky football player?
A: First grade!
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Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Eastern Kentucky?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
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Q: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Frankfort, Kentucky burned down?
A: Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.
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A new law recently passed in Eastern Kentucky: When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.
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Q: What’s the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
A: I-75.
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Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”
“Jus’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”
“Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.”
“OK. Ummmmm . . . five?”
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Q: What do a divorce in Eastern Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.
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Q: Why do folks in Eastern Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: ‘Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
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Q: What do you get when you have 32 Eastern Kentuckians in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
A man walks into a lawyers office and sits himself down and asks, “How much?”
“$150 for three questions.”
“That’s quite expensive. Are you any good?”
“The best there is. Now then, what’s your third question?”