One day a cop pulled over a blonde for speeding. When he got to the car he asked for her license. She said “whats that?” The cop said “It’s in your wallet.” Then he asked for her registration. She said “Whats that?” The cop said “It’s in your glove department.” When the cop reported her in the cop at the station said “Walk up to her and drop your pants!” So the cop walked up to the blonde and dropped his pants. Then she said, “Ahh no not another breath test!”
The Man and his Farm
There was once a man who owned a farm. One day, he decided to buy some animals for his farm. He went to the animal mall.
He spotted a chicken. He said to the owner, “I would like to buy that chicken.” The owner replied, “Its called a poulet (prounounced pull-it)” The farmer bought it, and then went to a rooster shop. The owner said, “Its called a cock, not a rooster” so the owner bought that too. On the way home, he saw a man selling a donkey. He said, “I would like the buy that donkey”, but the man said, “the correct term is ‘ass’, not ‘donkey'”, so the farmer bought the ass also. The seller quickly added, “once in a while, give him a scratch behind the ears, he likes that.
The farmer then said, “alright, would you please hold my cock and poulet while I scratch my ass?”
Dumb Tennessian
One day Alabama, Nebraska, and Tennessee football players had to ride together to California to go to a football conference. On the the way there, their car breaks down right beside Death Valley and they had to walk the rest of the way.
About an hour later they see a news van coming down the road, they try to wave it down, but instead of stopping and offering them a ride they get out and start filming them! They followed them for God only knows how long when finally stopped them and started interviewing them, they asked them what they brought with them to survive in the desert.
They asked the Alabama player he said, “I brought a gallon of water so I wouldn’t dehydrate.” They thought that was pretty smart.
They asked the Nebraska player what he brought and he said, “I brought a pack of bologna so I wouldn’t starve.” They thought that was pretty smart too.
They asked what the Tennessee player what he brought with him and he said, “A car door.” “What did you bring a car door with you for!?” He replied, “So I can roll the window down if I get hot … Duh.”
Easter
John L. Smith marries Sara H. Goldberg, after the wedding ceremony they go to their honeymoon suite. They both get undressed with Sara expecting incredible wedding night bliss.
John says, “I can’t do it tonight, its still Lent.”
Sara replies, “Oh my God, to whom and for how long.”
Sunday Sex
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
One Armed Blonde
Question: How do you get a one arm blonde out of a tree?
Answer: You wave at her.
Trees
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is by far, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!
Four Blondes and a Chair
Q: If you have four blondes as guests and you
have only one chair, how are you going to give them a sit?
A: You just turn the chair over!
Religious and Teachers Joke
1) A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.
2) Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball.
Jonah: Here
funny yo mama jokes
Yo mama is so fat when she wore a yellow rain coat outside people yelled, “taxi!”
When yo mama went to the beach to tan people started throwing water on her screaming, “save the whale!”
Yo mama’s so hairy she has afros on her nipples.
Yo mama’s so fat when she wore a shirt with an “X” on it a helicoptor landed on her.
Yo mama’s so ugly she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
Yo mama’s so ugly yo daddy drives her to work so he doesn’t have to drop her off.
Yo mama’s so fat when you walk around her you get lost.
Yo mama’s so stank her teacher gave her an A for not raising her hand.
Yo mama’s so fat, she’s got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook.
Yo mama is so fat, she uses pillowcases for socks.