Up in a Hotel Room…

An old man and his wife are going on a vacation, but they need to stop on the way for the night. They decide to stop at a hotel.

The husband says, “Damm, honey, I’m tired. Why don’t we just go to bed?”

His wife replies, with a sly smile: “I have something that will keep you awake.”

The husband exchanges the smile, and says, “Okay, but let me get ready. They go up to their room, and the husband goes into the bathroom. The wife hears some moaning and groaning, and she thinks that her husband is getting “ready”.

He finally comes out and they screw for several hours. The wife notices that the husband is being very agressive that night; he seems to be licking everywhere, shoving it in and out with great gusto, and grunting nearly the whole time.

Finally, they both stop, and lay back, panting. The wife says: My, honey you were very active tonight.”

The husband heads toward the door, but at the entrance he stops, turns, and takes off a mask that is an exact replica of her real husbands face.

The man says with a grin: “Man, you really know how to work it. By the way, your husband is in the bathtub.”

Bedtime Fart Story

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few
minutes the man cuts a fart.

His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”

The man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead, 7 nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose.

The man says to her, “What was that?”

She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”

The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he
craps in bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”

He replies, “Halftime, switch sides.”

Importance of Math

The next time your children ask, “Why is math so important?” you can explain … This is why math is taught in school.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and “flipped” the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females. That’s 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? … I think not.

Screwing Nuns

There were some nuns who were tired of being virgins. One day, a couple little boys came walking by and the nuns asked them if they wanted to screw with them. Since they didn’t know what she was talking about, they agreed to. While one of the boys was screwing a nun, he said, “Who’s your father, who’s your father.”

One Simple Wish

An Asian, an Afghan, and an American were each granted three wishes.

The Asian was first so he said, “I wish I were the richest person in my country.” BOOM, he was the richest person in his country.

Next, it was the Afghan’s turn. He said, “I wish there was a wall around my country so no one could go in and no one could go out.” BOOM, there was a wall around his country.

Next, was the American’s turn. He thought and thought really hard. He said “Fill it up with water.” BOOM.