One day a cop pulled over a blonde for speeding. When he got to the car he asked for her license. She said “whats that?” The cop said “It’s in your wallet.” Then he asked for her registration. She said “Whats that?” The cop said “It’s in your glove department.” When the cop reported her in the cop at the station said “Walk up to her and drop your pants!” So the cop walked up to the blonde and dropped his pants. Then she said, “Ahh no not another breath test!”
Tag: Story
Quit While You’re Ahead
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left … then to the right … right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says …
(wait for it)
(it’s coming! )
(Ya ready?)
(don’t hate me)
(take a deep breath)
“He should have quit while he was a head!”
Trees
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is by far, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!
Up in a Hotel Room…
An old man and his wife are going on a vacation, but they need to stop on the way for the night. They decide to stop at a hotel.
The husband says, “Damm, honey, I’m tired. Why don’t we just go to bed?”
His wife replies, with a sly smile: “I have something that will keep you awake.”
The husband exchanges the smile, and says, “Okay, but let me get ready. They go up to their room, and the husband goes into the bathroom. The wife hears some moaning and groaning, and she thinks that her husband is getting “ready”.
He finally comes out and they screw for several hours. The wife notices that the husband is being very agressive that night; he seems to be licking everywhere, shoving it in and out with great gusto, and grunting nearly the whole time.
Finally, they both stop, and lay back, panting. The wife says: My, honey you were very active tonight.”
The husband heads toward the door, but at the entrance he stops, turns, and takes off a mask that is an exact replica of her real husbands face.
The man says with a grin: “Man, you really know how to work it. By the way, your husband is in the bathtub.”
The Chicken #2
Q: Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
A: To join his flat mate!
SECURITY NOTICE
We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended; Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
I’m Caught Red Handed And I Need An Excuse Fast
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies
together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.
“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.
“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.
“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.
“But … but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
“My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf this time crouched down behind a road sign.
“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…
“Will you get lost! I’m trying to poop!”
Who Named You?
A guy is talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, “What’s your name?”
She says, “Carmen.”
He says, “That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?”
She replies, “No, I named myself.”
He says, “Why Carmen?”
She says, “Because I like cars and I like men. What’s your name?”
He replies, “Beerfuck.”
Amish Country
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a very cold day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”
The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heatwill warm them up.”
The daughter did as she was told and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he said, “My hands are freezing cold.”
The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.”
So he did, and warmed his hands.
The following frigid day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, “My nose is really cold.”
The girl replied, “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” So he did, and warmed his nose.
The next below-freezing day the boyfriend was again riding with the daughter (there isn’t much else to do in Amish-country) and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and said, “Have you ever heard of a penis?”
Slightly concerned, the mother said, “Why yes. Why do you ask?”
The daughter replied, “Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”