Tag: Story


Tiger Woods

One evening, a young couple is in a hotel room and they are about to consumate their marriage. Just as they’re about to do it, the new bride stops the husband and says, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “Well, in this day and age, that’s pretty common, so it doesn’t really matter. By the way, who did you do it with?”

She replies, “Tiger Woods”.

“The golfer?”, he asks. “Well, he’s rich and famous, so I can see why you went to bed with him.”

They do their thing, then the husband reaches for the phone. “Who are you calling?” asks the wife. “Room service, I’m hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that” the wife replies teasingly. “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” They repeat the act and the husband reaches for the phone again. “Who are you calling?” “Room service, I’m still hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” The husband sets down the phone, slightly irritated, and they do it one more time. The husband reaches for the phone. “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah?” “He’d do it one last time.” The husband angrily slams down the phone, and they do it one more time. He reaches for the phone. “Are you calling room service?” “No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”

I Hate Candy

A teacher was talking to her class about how unhelthy candy is. One little kid raised his hand to make a comment.

“Yes Timmy” the teacher said.

“I hate candy” the kid said.

“Have you ever eaten candy?” The teacher asked?

“Yeah” the kid said. “But, when I ate one of those little mints in the stand up toilets, I decided to never eat candy ever again.”

The Horny Trucker

There’s a trucker in Florida and he has a truckload of metal pipes to deliver to California in two weeks or less. Well, he’s been a trucker for so long that he knows it will only take him a week. So he calls up his boss and asks if he can stop in Pueblo, Colorado to see his wife for an evening. His boss replies, “No. Get the pipes to Cali and I’ll give you a weeks paid vacation to be with your wife.” He hangs up. “Dammit!” Then he thinks, “Well, maybe if I juggle my log a little, I can stop and see her without him ever knowing. So he hauls balls across the states, gets to Pueblo and stops at his house. He silently unlocks the door and enters. He creeps up the stairs and into their bedroom. Then he slides under the covers and starts eating her out. She’s moainin’ and groanin’ and tossin’ all over. She orgasms and he goes down stairs and makes himself a sandwich. Just as he takes his first bite, his wife walks in and says, “Shh! Your mother’s asleep upstairs.”

Gay Bob

Gay Bob goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “Bob, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”

Bob is devastated. “Doc, what can I do?”

“Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of

Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”

Bob asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”

Doc says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”

Nice Ass

An eldery couple were siting on a bench in a park when a beautiful blonde with a very short skirt were passing by. The old man was looking at her legs and even the ass that could be seen because of the unusual short skirt she was wearing.

The old woman (his wife) said: What are you looking at? You like her ass ha?

No, the old man replied, I was looking at her shoes.

Oh yeah, said his wife, OK what color were the shoes?

The old man caught in the middle replies: The ass’ color?!!

Rule of Life

A madam opened the brothel door to see Joe; a rather slight, slick looking, well-dressed, middle-aged gentleman standing there.

“May I help you?” the madam asked.

“I want to see Natalie,” Joe replied.

“Sir, Natalie busy right now. Besides she is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…”

“No, I must see Natalie.”

Just then Natalie appeared and explained to Joe that she charges $1,000 per visit.

Without blinking, Joe reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which Joe calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that it was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts … it was still $1,000 a visit. Again, Joe took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later he left. When he showed up on the third consecutive night no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Natalie questioned Joe: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

Joe replied, “I’m from Maryland.”

“Really?” replied Natalie, “I have family who lives there.”

“Yes, I know”, said Joe. “Your father died and I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

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MORAL – Some things in life are certain:

Death
Taxes
Being screwed by an attorney.

Swim To The Island

There were three people on an island a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. They had to swim twenty miles to get to a civilization. The redhead goes first and swims five miles and dies. The brunette goes next and swims fourteen miles and dies. The blonde goes last. She swims nineteen miles decides she get tried and swims back to the island.

Two blondes and the car

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.

Show Fur

The all-knowing, all-seeing Karnak held the envelope to his forehead and, while devining the question inside said, “Show Fur”.

He then opened the envelope and read, “What Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez will do if their pants get any lower.”

Legs

One day a man got injured in a car crash. He was alive but he had to be sent to a hospital. When he woke up he shouted, “I can’t feel my legs.”

“I know” the docter said, “I’ve amputated you arms.”