Tag: Top 10/Lists


Saying, “I Love You”

Impress your sweetie. Try saying “I love you” in a different language each morning:

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je t’aime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Kansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, Arizona, and Kentucky . . . Nice Tits

Department of Obfuscation

Sentences taken from actual letters received by the local welfare department in application for support:

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Nones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

7. Please find for certain if my husband who is missing is dead.

8. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

Too Old To Breastfeed

Signs your son is too old too breastfeed.

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos.”
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

Only in America …

1. Only in America … can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America … are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America … do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America … do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America … do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America … do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America … do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America … do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”

10. Only in America … do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Exercise Plan

Finally, an exercise plan with some real incentive!

Sex is the most practical and fun way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement…………………………12 cal
Without her agreement……………………..187 cal

* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands…………………………….8 cal
With one Hand………………………………12cal
With one hand being slapped…………………37 cal
With the mouth…………………………….85 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection………………………………6 cal
Without erection………………………….315 cal

* PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris………………….8 cal
Trying to find G spot………………………92 cal
Without caring at all……………………….0 cal

* WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up…………………………….12 cal
Just on the floor…………………………..8 cal

* POSITIONS
missionary……………………………….12 cal
69 laying………………………………….8 cal
69 standing up……………………………112 cal
Trolley………………………………….216 cal
Italian chandelier………………………..912 cal

* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real…………………………………….112 cal
Fake…………………………………….315 cal

* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed…………………………….18 cal
Jumping off the bed………………………..36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed……….816 cal

* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age………………12 cal
from 20 to 29……………………………..36 cal
from 30 to 39…………………………….108 cal
from 40 to 49…………………………….324 cal
from 50 to 59…………………………….972 cal
over 60…………………………………2916 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly…………………………………..32 cal
Being in a hurry…………………………..98 cal
With her husband opening the door………….1218 cal

Owners Guide For Cats

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human house trained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Virus

CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS: (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think “we go on”).

DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.

PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Top 10 Marketing Slogans for Viagra

10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra, Home of the whopper
6. Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em
5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling!
3. Viagra, Ten inches long … and growing.
2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to!

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

Are You Qualified To Be A “Professional”

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “professional”.

Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer :
The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

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4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.

How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

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According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.

But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Top 15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Work

1. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
2. “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
3. “I was working smarter — not harder.”
4. “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
5. “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
6. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
7. “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
8. “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
9. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
10. “I’m actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
11. “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
12. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
13. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
14. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
15. “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”