Category: Animals


Three Dogs At The Vet

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks, “why are you here?” The schnauzer responds, “I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I’m too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The schnauzer asks the poodle, “why are you here?” The poodle responds, “I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve been especially high strung. I’ve been barking all the time, I’ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor’s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can’t risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The poodle and schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds, “My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I’m on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn’t help myself.”

The poodle asks: “so your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?”

The Great Dane says: “No, I’m just here to get my nails trimmed.”

Chicken at the Movies

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!”

The girl tells him that he CAN’T take a chicken into the theatre, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theatre, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Susan. She elbows Lucy and whispers, “Lucy, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!”

Lucy whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it … you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

Susan says, “I KNOW … but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!”

White House Parrot

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot.

“Does this parrot talk?” she asked.” Yes, he does,” the manager told her. “But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?” she asked.

“Well, ma’am,” the manager told her, “not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse and his language is terrible.”

“Well, I want him,” she said. “Suit yourself,” the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, “New house, new madam.” Hillary laughed.

Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. “New house, new whores,” the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird’s history, they too, laughed at him.

A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, “Hi Bill.”

Bears on a Shelf

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place.

Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of small stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, So . . . how was I?

Well, . . . she said, “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”