Category: Animals


Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different?”

Bessie looks up and says “Sam, what’s different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!”

Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam.”

Owners Guide For Cats

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human house trained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Christmas Dinner

A family was sitting down to Christmas dinner when suddenly there’s a knock on the door so the father get’s up to answer it. He open’s the door and this snail asks him if he has anything for Christmas.

“No” replies the father and he kicks the snail down the street.

The following year the same thing happens, so the father opens the door and the snail says to him, “What did you do that for?”

Cats and Dogs

The reason for dogs to exist is simple …

Everyone needs at least one creature that will look at you and think you are the single most important thing in the universe … that depends on you for food, water, love … that is eager to do anything so that they can get approval …

The reason for cats to exist is also simple …

Everyone needs at least one creature that has no such illusions … that will look at you and see you for exactly how very unimportant you are in the scheme of things …

Are You Qualified To Be A “Professional”

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “professional”.

Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer :
The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

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4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.

How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

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According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.

But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Don’t step on a duck

There were three guys, George, Tom, and Bob. They were going to heaven. On the way, a man stopped them and said, “Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck.” When they got up there, George and Tom were walking down the street and they saw Bob with the ugliest girl in the world. They asked him what had happened and he said he had stepped on a duck.

The next day, George and Bob were walking down the street and saw Tom with an even uglier girl than before. They asked him what happened and he responded that he had stepped on a duck.

So, the next day, Bob and Tom were walking down the street and they saw George with the most beatiful girl in the world. They asked what happened and the girl responded that she had stepped on a duck.

Leprechaun Nun

A minister was in his church one night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door to find two leprechauns sitting on the ground, one looking smug and happy, the other one looking nervous and scared. The smug one asked the minister if there were any leprechaun nuns in the church. When the minister answered, “No”, the smug one asked if there were any in the city, (no) state, (no) country, (no) world, (no) or universe, (no).

Finally, the smug one laughed and told the other one, “See! I told ye ye screwed a penguin!”