Category: Animals


Three Ducks at a Bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that people bring into the bar, so he doesn’t mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try some conversation.

“What’s your name?” he says to the first duck.

“Huey” said the duck.

“How’s your day been?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day”.

“Oh. That’s nice.” says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, “Hi. And what’s your name?”.

“Dewey” came the answer.

“So how’s your day been?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance at another day I would do the same again.”

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, “So, you must be Louie.”

“No”, growls the 3rd duck, “My name is Puddles … and don’t ask about my fucking day.”

Cat Bath

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their hygiene.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no living creatures between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

Baby Kitten

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”

“How did you know that?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

Miracle Bunny

A friend of mine was out hunting a few years back and, as chance would have it, on the way home he ran over a bunny rabbit. Since it was right in front of a large farmhouse, he thought he’d stop and make sure it wasn’t a pet. The farmer was sitting on the porch, and had seen the whole incident.

My friend asked if the rabbit had been a pet. The farmer said that it wasn’t, but he also said that he had something that might help the poor thing out. He went into his house and came out a moment or two later with a little jar. He went out to the rabbit and poured a little on its head.

Sure enough, the bunny opened it eyes and got up. It hopped a little ways down the road and turned around and waved at the farmer and my friend. Then it hopped on down the road a little further, and turned and waved again. This hop and wave action was repeated until the bunny hopped out of sight over a hill.

Of course, my friend was more than a little amazed! What’s in that bottle?, he asked the farmer.

Just a little hair restorer with permanent wave!

The Penis Transplant

Jack goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?”

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asks, “What is the treatment?”

“Well,” the doctor explains, “What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.”

Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let’s go for it.”

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic dinner for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his trousers, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do it again?”

Jack replied with his eyes watering, “Well, I think so, but i don’t think i can fit another roll up my arse.”

The After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman’s biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

“Mary … Mary …”

“Is that you Fred?”

“Yes, I have come back like we agreed.”

“What is it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.”

“Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.”

“Hell no, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”

If a Dog were your Teacher

IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER You would learn stuff like …

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it’s in your best interest — practice obedience.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout … run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Soap and Water

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known as being an unkempt housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside whistled and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”