Category: Body / Anatomy / Health


I’ve Done A Very Bad Thing

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. They’re fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says “Mommy, I’ve done a very weird thing!”

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, “I passed a bullet into the toilet.”

The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

The mother says, “Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, “Yes, how did you know?”

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

“You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

“No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!”

What Kind Of Penis Do You Have?

What Kind Of Penis Do You Have? (or for the ladies … what’s your preference?)

The Absolut Vodka penis: It’s absolut’ perfection.
The Alkaseltzer penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz … Oh, what a relief it is…
The All-State penis: You’re in good hands.
The American Express penis: Don’t leave home without it.
The Andrex Penis: Soft, Strong, and very very long
The AOL penis: It’s so easy to use, no wonder it’s #1?
The AT&T penis: Reach out and touch someone.
The Avis penis: Trying harder than ever.

The Barq’s penis: the one with bite.
The beef penis: it’s what’s for dinner.
The Bud Lite penis: great taste, less filling.
The Barney penis: It says “I love you!”
The Beatles penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Beavis penis: Look! it’s changing color!
The Beef penis: It’s what’s for dinner.
The Bic Lighter penis: Go ahead flick my bic!
The Big Red penis: It’s longer with big red.
The Borden penis: It’s GOT to be good.
The Bounty penis: The quicker picker-upper.
The Budweiser penis: This bud’s for you!
The Burger King penis: Have it your way..
The Burger King penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper.

The C&C music factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm…
The California Lotto penis: Who’s next?
The Calloway Putter penis: It will improve your stroke.
The Cambells soup penis: Mmm mmm good!
The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
The Champion penis: The official penis of the ’96 U.S.A olympic team.
The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it is longer.
The Charmin penis: Don’t squeeze the penis!
The Chevy penis: Like a rock.
The Chips Ahoy penis: Betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch penis: Its the adult thing to do.
The Citibank visa penis: It’s everywhere you want to be.
The CNN Sports Illustrated penis: As interactive as you can get without
getting bruised.
The Cobain penis: It blows itself away.
The Coca Cola penis: Always the Real Thing.
The Crest penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.

The Dairy Queen penis: Hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
The Dial penis: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?
The Diet Pepsi penis: You got the right one, baby.
The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it…
The Dodge Neon penis: There’s a “lot more to love!”
The Domino’s Pizza penis: Delivers in 30 minutes or less!
The Doublemint penis: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Downey Penis: Come on Downey

The Extra penis: lasts an extra extra extra long time
The Energizer penis: It keeps going and going…
The Erricson Cell Phone penis: Whip out your little one.
The Equal penis: Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin penis: It’s tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Extra penis: Lasts an extra extra extra long time!

The Flintstone’s Vitamins penis: 10 million strong and growing!
The Ford penis: The best never rest.
The Franks Red Hot Sauce penis: It’s the oooh without the ouch.
The Frosted Flakes penis: They’re GGGRRRRREEEAAATTT!
The Fruit-by-the Foot penis: Need I say more?
The FTD penis: Some of life’s best moments come FTD.

The General Electric penis: We bring good things to life!
The Generic penis: One size fits all.
The George of the Jungle penis: Watch out for that….tree?
The Gillette penis: The best a man can get.
The GMC Envoy penis: It’s the real mcCoy.
The GMC Yukon penis: Beautifully designed. Powerfully built. Genetically
engineered.

The Hardees Breakfast penis: Rise and shine.

The Insinkerator Disposal penis: The choice of 9 out of 10 professionals.

The Jell-O penis: Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle…
The Jewel penis: Take a new look at an old friend.
The Jolly Green *Giant* penis: Self-explanatory
The Juicy Fruit penis: The taste is gonna move ya.
The Just For Men penis: A sure thing for a natural look.

The Kix penis: Kid tested, mother approved.

The Lays penis: Betcha can’t eat just one!
The Life penis: Mikey likes it.
The Life Call penis: It’s fallen and it can’t get up.
The Little Caesar’s penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
The Lucky Charms penis: It’s magically delicious!
The Luv’s penis: It’ll take a load off your mind.

The Mars Penis: A mars a day helps you work, rest and play.
The Matthew Sweet penis: 100% fun.
The Macintosh penis: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
The Magnavox penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The McDonald’s penis: Over 10 billion served.
The McDonald’s penis: Have you had your break today?
The MCI penis: For friends and family!
The Men’s Healthy Magazine penis: It’s a perfect fit.
The MicroMachines penis: A whole world, in the palm your hand.
The Microsoft penis: Where do you want to go today?
The Milk penis: It does a body good!
The Miller Lite penis: Great taste, less filling.
The M&M penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!
The Monty Python penis: “isn’t awfully nice to have a penis”
The Monty Python penis II: “Every sperm is sacred….”
The Mortal Kombat penis: Nothing can prepare you.

The NBA on TNT penis: Ever want something so bad it hurts?
The New York Lotto penis: Cause hey – you never know.
The Newport penis: It’s alive with pleasure.
The Nike penis: Just do it.
The Nintendo penis: Now you’re playing with power.
The Nuprin penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
The Nyquil penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing,runny nose, itching,
burning, so you can’t rest penis.

The Payday penis: Its almost totally nuts!
The Phillips MOM penis: It’s always stimulant free.
The Pillsbury Flour penis: It comes plain or self rising.
The Pizza Hut penis: Makin’ it great.
The Pontiac penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps!
The Portofino Bay penis: Extraordinary. Exciting. Exceptional.
The Post Selects Cereal penis: Not everything that goes into “Post Selects”
fits.
The Power of Cheese penis: Just saying it is enough to make you smile.
The Pringles penis: Once you pop, you can’t stop…
The Psychic penis: It knows you are coming before you do..
The Purdue penis: More meat, less bone.

The Ragu penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Reach Toothbrush penis: It cleans hard to reach places.
The Reese’s penis: How do you eat your penis?
The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?
The Right Guard penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
The Robitussin penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Robutussin penis: Recommended by Dr. Mom…

The Sanka penis: Good to the last drop!
The Sears penis: Come see the softer side.
The Secret penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
The Sega penis: PENIS!
The Siskel & Ebert penis: 2 thumbs up…
The Slim Fast penis: Helps you loose weight, makes you feel great.
The Snickers penis: It satisfies you.
The Springmaid penis: Makes you snore like a lady.
The Sprite penis: Image is nothing… Taste is everything.
The Starburst penis: The juice is loose!
The Star Trek penis: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
The Subaru All Wheel Drive penis: You can put it where the sun don’t shine.
The Sustecal penis : More protein, less fat!

The Taco Bell penis: Get some; make a run for the border!
The Timex penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on…….
The Tombstone penis: What would you like on your penis?
The Tootsie Roll Pop penis: How many licks DOES it take …?
The Toyota penis: I love what you do for me!
The Toyota penis: Oh,what a feeling.
The Transformers penis: It’s more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler penis: It makes mouths happy.

The Uncle Sam penis: We want you.

The Viagra penis: It lets the dance begin.
The Virginia Slims penis: You’ve come a long way, baby!

The Wendy’s penis: Where’s the beef?
The Wizard of Oz penis: “Oh my!”

The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.

Pregnancy Questions and Answers

Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Elderly Odor

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they didn’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.”

“Good”, the doctor said, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”