The Pilot of the plane has just finished his announcements about how high the plane is, etc. He forgets to turn off the intercom system and says to his co-pilot, “Right about now I could really use a good blow job and a cup of coffee.”
The whole plane hears it and a stewardess rushes from the back of the plane to tell the pilot the intercom is still on. As she rushes by, one of the passengers says, “Don’t forget the coffee!”
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
Thank you for pot smoking.
If at first you don’t succeed … blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying, “No Hard Feelings”.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
The earth is full – Go home
I have the body of a God … Buddha
So many pedestrians – So little time
Cleverly disguised as a Responsible Adult
Honk if anything falls off
He who hesitates is not only lost … but miles from the next exit
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere
Body by Nautilus; Brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
Don’t be sexist – Broads hate that
Heart attacks … God’s revenge for eating His animal friends
Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
Saw it … Wanted it … Had a fit … Got it!
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he’s O.K.
The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?” The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”
The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ … and I can prove it! Come with me!”
They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”
Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma decked in leather and chains,
Where watching the kids dueling with candy canes.
Ma home from the cathouse,
And I out of jail, had just settled
Down for a good piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I made a mad dash,
Threw open the window and fell on my ass!
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer.
With a little old driver holding his stick,
I knew in a moment that drunkard was Nick!
Slower than snails his chargers they came.
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.
“Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the roof,
Quick now, damn it, or I’ll cut off your hoofs!”
Then up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell!
He staggered and stumbled and went to the door,
He trtipped over a beer bottle and fell to the floor.
I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Piss on you all, it’s a hell of a night!”
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
A: Give him 3 shovels and tell him to take his pick.
A: Give him a box of jaffas and tell him to eat the red ones last.
Q: How do you get a one-armed idiot out of a plane?
A: Wave.
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5000 and the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow $5000?”
The Blonde replied, “Where else in New York, can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?”
Have you ever worked in an office where someone insists on listening to their voice-mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.
I found a fairly easy fix for that though. I had my wife call his phone when he wasn’t there and left this message: “Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven’t paid for the ‘toys’ we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn’t want me to come over there and spank you, would you?”
That was the last time I heard *that* particular speakerphone!
W.B. Yeats and William Shakespease both died on the same day and went to heaven. St. Peter met them both at the pearly gates and said, “Lads, I’d love to let the two of you in today but we have had a very busy week and we only have one space left inside.” The two looked at each other in disbelief and Peter continued, “We are going to have a poetry competition to see who gets in, but the poem has to contain the word timbuctu.” No sooner had he finished when Shakespeare puts up the hand and says:
“As I was travelling across foreign sands
From afar I spied a spec of blue
As I approached I saw I caravan
Its destination was timbuctu”
Peter was clapping his hands and Shakespeare was almost in the gate when Yeats says, “Hold on I’ve got one.”
“My dog Tim and I a hunting went
We spied three ladies in a tent
They were three and we were two
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too.” The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk, “That will be $45.” The drunk said, “I don’t have any money.” The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats the shit out of him.
The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender — “Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself too.” The bartender thinks, this guy can’t be that stupid to come in here two nights in a row with no money, so he pours a round, has one himself, bumps the guy and says, “That will be $50.” The drunk says, “I don’t have any money.” The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats the shit out of him again.
The next night, same drunk walks into the bar and tells the bartender to get a round for everyone. The bartender says, “What not one for myself?” To which the drunk replied, “Hell no, you get too mean when you drink.”
Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie … *poof* … you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. Soooooo …
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.”
*Poof* the mirror swallows her up.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the sexiest woman alive”. *Poof* the mirror swallows her.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” *Poof*