Category: Miscellaneous


Southern California

Top 10 signs you live in Southern California:

10) Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

9) You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.

8) Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

7) A really great parking space can move you to tears.

6) A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

5) You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab exercise facility, and tofu takeout.

4) Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer.

3) It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH ’99.”

2) The three-hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn’t caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.

1) You can’t remember … is pot illegal?

Getting Weighed

On their first date, Adam took Diana to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Diana replied, “Get weighed.” So Adam took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Diana and said, “One hundred and twenty pounds.” Since Diana weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “Get weighed,” she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Diana’s weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “I want to get weighed!” she said again.

Now Adam began to think this girl was insane, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Diana’s roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.

“Wousy!” Diana replied.

Butt Prints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of God they were,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked Him, “What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too big to be from feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”

“You would not learn, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.

“Because in life, there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

Living to 100

A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?”

“No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.”

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.

“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”

“Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

A Place to Spend the Night

A traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

“Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk.” said the hospitable old man. “But I ain’t got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.”

“Oh!” said the salesman, “Just how far is it to the next house?”

Hatpins

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. “Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. “Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. “God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. “Right again,” said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister didn’t notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?” Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

The Interview

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: “So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?”

Mr. Jones: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”

Interviewer: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”

Interviewer: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

Interviewer: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”

Mr. Jones:
“Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute but you’re not one, are you? …”

Two Boys and Their Nuts

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. “One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me.”

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

“Father! Father!” he yelled as he entered his house. “The cemetery. Come quick!”

“What’s the matter?” his father asked.

“No time to explain,” the boy frantically panted. “Follow me!”

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

“Do you hear that?” he whispered.

Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. “One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you…”

The boy then blurted out, “The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!”

The father was skeptical but silent — until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, “Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we’ll have them all.”

Hospital Bill

On my way out of the hospital I stopped by the office to pay my bill. My room was $575 a day, my medication was $325 a day, my test totalled $2,800 and the doctor cost $1,800.

I said, “They must think I’m crazy!”

The clerk responded, “I guess not sir, there’s no charge on here for psychological evaluation.”

Rules For Cats That Have A House To Run

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it’s raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human’s bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”; humans are known to refer to it as hampering”.

The following are the rules for “helping”:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.