Category: Relationships


T-Shirts for Women Who Take No Crap

1- I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

2- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3- Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

4- Of course I don’t look busy. I did it right the first time.

5- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

6- I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

7- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

8- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

9- Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

10- Guys have feelings too. But like … who cares?

11- I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

12- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

13- I hate everybody, and you’re next.

14- Please don’t make me kill you.

15- And your point is …

16- I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

17- All stressed out and no one to choke.

18- I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

19- How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

20- Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

Serving the Public

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the pharmacist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”

“Yeah, sure. So?” said the officer.

“Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”

Getting Weighed

On their first date, Adam took Diana to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Diana replied, “Get weighed.” So Adam took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Diana and said, “One hundred and twenty pounds.” Since Diana weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “Get weighed,” she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Diana’s weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “I want to get weighed!” she said again.

Now Adam began to think this girl was insane, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Diana’s roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.

“Wousy!” Diana replied.

A Couple of Jack Daniels …

An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

“What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.

“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Country Love

A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker.

A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure.

Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.

Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get something’s help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man.

“What happened to you?” asked the trucker, with a grin.

The man explained his plight…

The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, “This just ain’t been your day, has it boy!”

Egg Timer

Mark: “You know Joe, I made love to my wife last night for the first time in two months!”

Joe: “Two months?! That’s a long time! I’m really glad to hear that things are better for you and your wife.”

Mark: “Well … actually we almost made love.”

Joe: “ALMOST?! How can you ALMOST make love?”

Mark: “Well, I found out afterwards that my wife was just using me to time an egg.”

Stranded for 10 Years

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

What Women Say And What They Mean

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
… without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven’t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA’S FINE.
… you cheap slob!

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I don’t like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
… just not in that way.

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
…I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
…I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.

Two Married Buddies

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.”