Tag: One-Liner


Thought Provoking

Deep Thoughts……by Dennis Miller

Don’t sweat the petty things and Don’t pet the sweaty things.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
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Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
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Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
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If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?
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If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him

Caintukians

A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, “Bout what?”
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Q: What’s long and hard on a Kentucky football player?
A: First grade!
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Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Eastern Kentucky?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
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Q: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Frankfort, Kentucky burned down?
A: Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.
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A new law recently passed in Eastern Kentucky: When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.
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Q: What’s the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
A: I-75.
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Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”
“Jus’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”
“Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.”
“OK. Ummmmm . . . five?”
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Q: What do a divorce in Eastern Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.
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Q: Why do folks in Eastern Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: ‘Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
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Q: What do you get when you have 32 Eastern Kentuckians in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Clinton in Hades

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates of Hell he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full but he will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He will be given the choice of who he will replace for eternity.

Before Clinton appears three doors. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich being worked over with a blow torch.

“Oh my!” Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh his skin being stripped off with a pair of pliers.

“I don’t think so.”, Clinton insists!

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is bound hand and foot, naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

“I can handle that!”, Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”