Tag: Top 10/Lists

* You answer the door before people knock.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”
* You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast forward.
* The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
* You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
* You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people’s fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
* You don’t sweat, you percolate.
* You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
* You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
* You don’t tan, you roast.
* You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
* Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

… you can’t remember how to spell “IQ.”

… you can’t remember the number for 911.

… you just discovered your AM radio also works in the afternoon.

… you use correction fluid on your PC monitor.

… you fail Physical Education.

… you can not spell it.

… you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in a power outage!

… you put braille on a drive up teller machine.

… you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

… you think a pigpen is something to write with!

… you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles.

… you use your CD-ROM unit as a drink holder.

… you frequently misspell your own name.

… you’ve ever been stuck in a toilet seat.

… you walk your kid to school because you’re in the same grade.

… it takes you two hours to watch 60 minutes.

… you often wonder who Ronald McDonald’s parents are.

… you sell your car for gas money.

… you think Hamburger Helper comes with a man.

… you try thinking and nothing happens.

… you think a quarterback is a refund!

… you think hot dogs are real meat.

… people nick-name you Homer.

… you cook Minute Rice for an hour!

… upon approaching a traffic sign that says STOP AHEAD, you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head.

… you lose $25 on a horse race and then lose $25 on the instant replay!

… you were the one testing out the shark bite suit.

… you get tangled up in a cordless phone.

… you need to be reminded to breath.

… someone tells you to call 911, and you can’t find the 11!

… you take a donut back cause it has a hole on it!

… you stare at an orange juice can because it says concentrate.

… you have to look “stupid” up in the dictionary.

… you sit on the T.V. and watch the couch.

… you tell your wife not to laugh as you point a gun to your head, because she is next!

… you think Yogi Bear played for the Yankees.

… you bronze a gold medal as a keep sake.

… you get lost in your closet.

… you take an I.Q. test and forget to write your name.

… you go around a revolving door looking for the door knob.

… you list the police department as a reference on your resume.

… you get fired from volunteer work.

… a hamburger is a cheeseburger, hold the cheese, to you.

… you run around looking for a quarter to call 911.

… you can’t find the “ANY” key on the keyboard.

… you feel for one millisecond that you may have won the sweepstakes this time despite the fact that it is stamped in clear view “bulk rate.”

… you try to look up a word in the dictionary without knowing how to spell it correctly, and you can’t find it. Feeling like a “genius”, that you realize that WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY made an error.

… if it takes you an hour to make minute rice.

… you have to look on both ends to open a bottle.

… someone offers you a bagel and you reply, “No thanks, I already have a dog!”

… you turn the light on to see if it’s dark.

… you take your chia pet for a walk.

… you wear your glasses while looking for them.

“Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
Patrick, age 10

“When your dad is angry and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ – don’t answer.”
Hannah, age 9

“Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.”
Michael, 14

“Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to.”
Emily, 10

“When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.”
Taylia,11

“Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.”
Traci, 14

“Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers.”
Mitchell,12

“Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.”
Andrew, 9

“Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.”
Kyoyo, 9

“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.”
Armir, 9

“Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.”
Kellie, 11

“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.”
Naomi, 15

“Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.”
Lauren, 9

“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
Joel, 10

“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.”
Alyesha, 13

“Never try to baptize a cat.”
Eileen, 8

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Alternately, you can tell them, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died …” When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male:

Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company …”
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends … would you be my friend?”

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh my God!!!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”

The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up … louder … louder … louder …

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell bring so many clothes with her?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why are “apartments” called “APARTments” if they are all attached?