Men Are Like …

… Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

… Blenders.
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

… Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

… Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

… Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.

… Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

… Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

… Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

… Curling Irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

… Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

… Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

… Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

… Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

… Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

… Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

Mergers

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I’m Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

10 Things Not to Say at a Consulting Interview

10. I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of person.

9. Do you pay overtime?

8. I hate flying.

7. I’m useless without ten hours of sleep a night.

6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.

5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?

4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.

3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.

2. Two words: family first.

1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

Friday’s Memories

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (I sleep with this person)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not Over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What’s the deal with the pigs?)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm…..)

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile can not stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I’m home … what the …)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig … quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.

Starfish haven’t got brains.

After reading all these, all I can say is “Damn Pigs”.

Children’s Books That Weren’t

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who died from eating all his vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-it Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Dogs go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s it, I’m putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. You were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster … And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry.

Vanity Plates

10SNE1 ;tennis, anyone?
14U2C ;One for you to see (“Sky-Hi” Toyota 4wd)
1GOTO1 ;Silicon Valley License plate
2DBCH ;To the Beach!
2ED4ED ;Certainly Ed owns the car
2GOOD4U ;on a cheap oldsmobile
2HSPRN ;2 required at bed time?
2QIK4U ;RX-7
3NON ;Read this upside-down
4GETIT ;on a black TA driven by a married lady!!!
4SURE ;fer shure
55N-UP ;55mph and up
6 KIDS ;on a Chevy Suburban in UTAH
9FOFO ;9 four four, on a Porsche 944
A 4X4X8 ;on a Honda
A-SLAAB ;on a Saab
ALICE ;on a white Rabbit
ASLAAB ;on a Saab
AU YLOKS ;(Goldilocks)
BAA BAA ;Baa Baa ‘on a ‘ Black Jeep
BCNU2 ;Be seeing you too
BEACHN ;Beaching!
BESIDES ;Sideline beekeeper
BEYOND ;On a ‘blue’ plymouth ‘HORIZON’, Beyond the horizon
BIG BUX ;on a Ferrari 308
BIRDIE ;Driven by good looking lady from New Zealand
BKEEPR ;Bee keeper
BY YALL ;on a Porsche 911
BYE-BYE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
BYMYHNY ;Buy my honey, a beekeeper
CAR BUF ;on a car owned by Bill Buff
CLICHE ;on a BMW!
CME4DK ;See me for decay, on a dentist’s car.
CRAY Z ;Crazy
CULATR ;See you Later,
DAD IOU ;on a Trans Am
DNTSMKE ;Don’t smoke
DUTY ;for a Honda ‘Civic Duty’
DUTY ;for an Audi, ‘Audi Duty’
DV-DT ;on a Honda Civic Si
E FUDD ;A bugs bunny fan
FIT2SKI ;Fit to ski
FLEWBYU ;flew by you (this was on a Corvette)
FORDBBQ ;on a ford pinto
FRAUD ;on a Porsche 911 “Carerra”
FUNHOG ;seen in Montana
GO4IT ;Go for it!
GONSNO ;on an 85 Jeep CJ-7
GR8LAKE ;Great Lake(s)
GR8SPCL ;Great Specials
GSNDHT ;Gesundheit, on an Isuzu
GUT-SEE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
HIHO AG ;hi ho silver!
HITECH ;High Technology
I SK8 ;I skate/ice skate
I12BNZC ;I want to be in the Sea, a diver
I8NY ;stolen from a Gary larson Cartoon
IAML8 ;I am late on a white rabbit
IAMYY4U ;I am too wise for you
IB2BAD ;I Be too bad
IBCNU ;I’ll be seeing ya!
ICU812 ;I see you ate one too!
IMA10 ;I’m a 10!
IMATEN ;I’m a 10!
IMB4U ;I’m before you!
IMEZRU ;I’m a zuru
INYORI ;In Your Eye…
IOAA ;(I owe AA)
IONO1 ;I owe no one
IX XIV ;on a Porsche 914
IXIVIV ;on a Porsche 944
KPOOM ;on a small car
LEMON ;on a late model Mustang convertible
LUV DAD ;on a convertible 86 Z-28
MAGIC ;on a Corvette
MINE ;on a Lincoln Town car
MY CAR ;at least now we know who owns that car…
MY DEBT ;on a New York car
MYREVNG ;My Revenge (Divorcee)
MYZRATI ;Seen on a Mazerati in San Jose
NICE EH ;on a REALLY beat up car
NOBODY ;on a Rolls Royce
NOBRKS ;no brakes!
NONE ;Funny when this one is on paper (registration,tickets,etc)
NOPLATE ;Funny when on paper
NOT FAT ;on a RX7 (woman owned)
NOT HOT ;on a Porsche 924
NRVOUS ;on a red porsche 911 (he was driving cautiously)
NTOTO2 ;And toto too
OBJET ;on a Dodge Dart
OHGOOD ;You say this when you are buried in traffic
OK DIE ;on a NH ‘Live free or Die’ automobile.
OMEGA1 ;on a Jaguar Xj6
PAWSH ;on a Porsche
POORSCH ;on an RX-7 Turbo
RACN ;Racing
RARE ;on a 55 Chevy
REBOS ;(sober, backwards)
REDDVL ;on a 911 turbo
RU4REAL ;Are you for real?
RUAG8D8 ;Are you a great date?
RUBZ ;Are you busy?
RUBZ2NT ;Are you busy tonite?
RUMRS2 ;Are you Mrs 2? (on a Toyota Mr2)
RUNVUS ;Are you envious?
STOP ;Get the message?
STORK1 ;on an Obstetrician’s Mercedes
SWTPEA ;on a green Porsche 911
THANXDAD ;well, what can I say?
TIN CAN ;on a Toyota
TOFLY ;on a late model Olds 442
TWEETY ;on a yello 57 Thunderbird
U LOSE ;on a Mustang GT
UCLAFOX ;on a Woman’s 280ZX
UNIXINU ;Unix, forwards and backwards
UNV ME ;You envy me
UR2LOW ;on a Jacked up 69 Camaro 4WD + Lift kit
UWANT12 ;You want one too?
VAN GO ;for a vanpool
VANITY ;plain and simple
W8LFTR ;Weightlifter
WAS HIS ;After a divorce, on a jaguar
WHOCARZ ;Who Cares?
WHOOSH ;on a porsche
WHORU ;Who are you?
XXXXXX ;on a Mercedes
XYZZY ;Seen on an Ohio car, a magic word in Adventure
YOT YM ;My toy, backwards
ZPDUDA ;Zippity doo dah….

Dating and Marriage

When you are dating … Farting is never an issue
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband … at all times

When you are dating … He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married … He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating … He holds your hand in public
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married … You think to yourself … “Was he ALWAYS this hairy?”

When you are dating … You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married … You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone?”

When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you … for no reason
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married … You wonder who will die first

When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all mushy”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating … He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare

When you are dating … He calls you by name
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

Real Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teachers Strike Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Today’s Stock Report

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Sailboats stayed at an even keel while powerboats weathered the storm.

PWC’s buzzed to new heights.

The market for raisins dried up.

The soft drink industry fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And Scott tissue touched a new bottom.

Life’s Little Axioms

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

He’s always late. His ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.